The "Bowie Paradox"

Last Month, MIT Professor Phineas Hewitt published an article in the New England Journal of Astrophysics regarding what he had titled, "The Bowie Paradox." His findings, which are the culmination of 30 years of research, have been described by his various peers as, "Einstein-humbling," "revolutionary," and "fucking mind-blowing." However, his detractors not only call his theories scandalous and unjustifiable, but also, "completely demeaning/unrelated to the field of astrophysics." I sat down with Prof. Hewitt at his Providence, MA home to discuss the controversy.

G-Gits: Hello Professor. It is an honor.

Phineas Hewitt: It is an honor to be here,
my boy.

GG: I wish to discuss your groundbreaking, if not controversial, discovery...the so-called "Bowie Paradox" is it? Please help explain your findings to those of us outside the Astrophysics community.

PH: Well, simply put, the "Bowie Paradox" is the culmination of 36 years of my research. It helps shed light on our nature as human beings as well as giving us new insight into the universe...

GG: Wicked!

PH: ...The principles of the "Bowie Paradox" are quite simple really; the difficulty lies in excepting it as the God's honest truth. The "Bowie Paradox" states that, for men, it is in fact gayer to not want to have sex with David Bowie than it is to actually desire sexual intercourse with him.

GG: Whoa...you just melted my fucking mind, Professor.

PH: It is quite a difficult concept to grasp, especially without an advanced degree in astrophysics.

GG: I'm not so sure that I would want to have sex with David Bowie..

PH: Then, sir, you are gay.

GG: Fair enough. What do you say to your detractors who feel that you are trying to justify your own homosexual attraction towards David Bowie or that you are just simply bat-shit insane?

PH: I say the research is there; the evidence is in. People may chose to ignore it, but chances are my findings will set the pace for all future scientific endeavors.

GG: What if you are a woman that wishes to have sex with Mr. Bowie?

PH: Well, not all of the numbers are in, but research seems to indicate that if you are a woman and you desire to copulate with David Bowie, you immediately become pregnant.

GG: Well, thank you for your time Professor.

PH: It was a pleasure.

GG: Oh, actually, where is your bathroom?

PH: It's just down the hall to the left. Jiggle the handle when you flush.

Well there you have it. Interesting stuff. I will leave it up to you to draw your own conclusions.

Phineas Hewitt is the Weingarten Professor of Advanced Theoretical Astrophysics at MIT.