I like my Bacon extra rockin'!

Well, I barely slept at all last night. I didn't get back home until about 4 AM, and when I tried to get to sleep, I kept replaying the epic rock n' roll odyssey I had witnessed not 5 hours earlier. It's safe to say that all those in attendence were changed for the rest of our lives; we were all brought together as one for 2 magical hours, and in that time, the world truly stopped turning. I'm, of course, talking about the opening night of the Bacon Brothers tour at the Executive Inn in Owensboro, Kentucky.

First, a little history of the venue. Frank Sinatra finished a world tour in 1955 with three shows at the very same Executive Inn. The tour had included stops at other famous venues such as Madison Square Garden in New York, Budokon in Japan, and the Sydney Opera House. None came close to matching the performance at Owensboro. Old Blue Eyes himself said, "I don't know if it's the acoustics, maybe it's the crowd, but there's just something about this Executive Inn!"

In 1971, a young Bruce Springsteen got one of his first breaks at the Executive Inn. Opening for The Dildos (a bona fide marketing disaster of name), Bruce gave the show of his lifetime, and some music executives in the crowd took notice. "We have always looked for new talent at the Executive Inn," said VP of New Artists for Sony BMG Mark Little. "It's such a hotbed for new talent."

Over the years, all the huge acts went through there, like the Grateful Dead (reportedly Jerry's favorite place to play), Aerosmith, and Guns N' Roses, to name a few. And now, as if to complete the storied life of the Executive Inn, the Bacon Brothers played it opening night for their 10-show limited engagement tour.

Kevin and Michael rifled through 3 new rockers to open the set. The crowd was into it and responded well to the new tunes. They slowed it down with a couple of old favorites, which I'm sure everyone knows so I won't even bother naming them. Michael then left the stage for a few songs and let Kevin play a few solo songs acoustic, which was one of the best experiences of my life. Everyone in the audience was sobbing as Kevin worked his way through some of the more emotional songs in the catalog, including Getting There and Can't Complain. There was a tense moment as a drunk secretary there for happy hour came over yelling about how she "wants to fuck the shit out of Kevin Bacon," but the concierge handled it like a pro and kicked her out. Kevin, the consummate professional, just kept playing, as if the world depended on him hitting those chords, and in many ways, it did.

Michael rejoined his brother after Kevin's brief acoustic set. They embraced as they too seemed to realize the life-changing effect their music was having. They knew they had business to get to, and they finished out the set with two more new songs. As they left the stage, everyone was screaming for an encore, and amidst signs reading "Bacon for President!" and "Michael, Will You Marry Me?" they came back out on stage. They finished it out with a politcally-charged cover of People Have the Power, and everyone in that audience felt like they too could make a difference, just like the Bacons did that night.

I stayed and tried to get an autograph, but there were just too many people. Of course, the groupies, or "Bacon Bits" as they are called, were out there flaunting their stuff hoping to be the lucky girl that Kevin took home. I left, knowing that I had had the experience of a lifetime, truly having witnessed rock and roll history. I stopped in the gift shop and picked up a sweet Executive Inn sweatshirt at a clearance price before I was on my way.

To Kevin and Michael, thank you. Thank you for your contributions musically and socially. Thank you for the best night of my life. And thank you for being you.

A Better Bracketology

Well, it's that time of year again...March Madness! It's that magical month where people say to one another, "Wow, did you see the Duke game last night?!?" or "That Kentucky freshman is going pro!" or the less common "Son, take off that damn dress and watch the Maryland game with me!" Thanks, Dad! Anywho, the NCAA men's basketball tournament is what gets all the attention, but there's much more going on in college sports than just that. I'd like to take this time to inform you on some of the other tournaments going on as well.

BASEketball: Popularized by the 1998 film from the creators of South Park, BASEketball was actually developed by a small Polynesian tribe in the late 16th century. Every year, the tribes would play a tournament of BASEketball, and the winner would receive the genitals of a mountain lion. When the Spanish discovered the tribe, they took the game to the New World, as well as most of the tribe's possessions and women. Well, the times have changed and the men's NCAA BASEketball tournament is already into the Sweet 16. Oklahoma State is the perennial favorite, and this year is no different. They are going for a three-peat, but they face a tough Duke oppenent this round.

The Condor Slaughter: The condor, the largest flying land bird, is certainly a majestic creature. This tournament seeks to the take condor down a peg or two. In this competition, 100 California condors are released in an enclosed 4 square mile area. Two teams of 6 players each have 2 hours to savagely murder as many condors as they can. Unfortunately, the start of this year's tournament has been delayed due to tournament officials being unable to round up the thousands of condors necessary to play a full tournament. Look for Miami University to go deep, if the tournament ever gets underway.

The Fool's Biathlon: Traditionally, a biathlon consists of cross-country skiing and riflery. In this team version, the Fool's Biathlon consists of skyboarding and eating bent nails. A two-and-a-half hour choreographed team skyboarding event is followed by a 3 hour nail-eating session. The scoring is weighted so the nail-eating portion of the event is more important, and the 5 man teams average about 500 nails eaten per team. The NCAA version of the rules allow for a substitution during the nail eating; this player is usually "the sprinter," coming in halfway through the event and eating as fast as his bleeding stomach will allow. The Latvian superstar Mikhail Stonzkavich (pictured right, trying his hand at amateur boxing) was recruited by Texas A&M and has made a big impact this season, and he's only a freshman! He certainly has a long career ahead of him, or at least as

long a career as the game allows, which is usually about a year and a half. Because teams can only play about one match per week, this tournament stretches into April, so "March Madness" goes into "April Awesomeness."

Stumping: In a stumping match, two 7 man teams face off to see how many tree stumps they can remove from the ground. The NCAA carefully selects the playing field to ensure fair stumps. Stumping received some public attention in the early 90s when Lauren Ingleton, a University of Minnesota freshman, tried out and made the men's stumping team. In an emotional early round match at the 1993 tournament, Lauren personally removed a critical stump that ultimately led to a championship for the team. Shortly after, she got pregnant, effectively ending her stumping career. The Minnesota program has never regained the magic it once had. A new dynasty is forming at Boston College, which won the title in 2004 and is looking to secure another championship as they have just advanced to the Final Four.

So, there is a quick look at some of the other great sports the NCAA has to offer. Take a break from the basketball and try to enjoy some of these equally enjoyable and not made-up events.

!!SPOILER ALERT!!

Well, it's been a few days, but I am finally back from my sabbatical. Did I say sabbatical? I meant custody hearing. I guess I should cut back on my drinking...oh well, I'll miss you, son! Anyway, I am excited to share with the world some news on one of the most popular film franchises of the past decade. Of course, I am referring to the American Pie Series. After five instalments, it has proven to be one of the most epic stories ever to grace the silver screen. However, much to the delight of millions of fans, we are only half way through the entirety of the series. Yes, it has been confirmed that the series will see not only see the completion of the most recent trilogy, but also an entirely new trilogy of films to be filmed concurrently in New Zealand, effectively making the series a trilogy of trilogies. Although a nine film series may seem unprecedented in Hollywood, true fans of the American Pie mythos were well aware of the additional stories. The American Pie series is based off of the 1970's Расстегай американцов series of novels by Russian science-fiction novelist, Aleksey Letnikov. Those dedicated fans who took the time to find the rare English translations of the novels already know how the story will pan out. However, in order to help the rest of us, I have obtained plot summaries of the next four movies.

But first, a quick refresher. As mentioned, the American Pie series is merely a trilogy of trilogies. The first trilogy is known as the Rise of Jim, and consists of the movies American Pie, American Pie II, and American Wedding. Largely regarded by fans as filler or exposition, it recalls the efforts of Jim Levenstein, along with his friends, to lose his virginity (which is a common conceit throughout the series). Eventually he is married. Although it is considered far less important than the other trilogies, it does establish some of the history behind the major characters in the next trilogies.

The second trilogy is the Age of Stifler, wherein the stories of several members of the Stifler family are explored. Steve Stifler, from the first films, paves the way for the rest of his family and is viewed by many critics as a Christ-figure. In American Pie Presents: Band Camp, the story of Steve's younger brother, Matt, is told, where as American Pie Presents: The Naked Mile tells the story of yet another brother, Erik, and his cousin, Dwight. The final film, set for release late 2007, is entitled American Pie: Boner Academy, and will be the first film I preview for you.

Title: American Pie: Boner Academy

Plot Synopsis: Stifler's next youngest sibling is finally ready for high school, and is sent to the prestigious boarding school Boneman Academy, called Boner Academy due to the wall to wall babe-age! But get this--- Stifler's next youngest sibling is a chick! Eugene Levy reprises his role as Jim's Dad, who takes over as the school's guidance counselor.

Pivotal Scene: Stifler's sister, Marjorie, accidentally fellates a
midget at a funeral for the academic dean!

The next series of films, being filmed concurrently, are know as the Fall of the House of Stifler, and are said to be much darker than the previous films. Set for release in 2008,2009, and 2010, these films promise to answer all of the questions from the previous films and are reportedly almost entirely CGI.

Title: American Pie: The Dorkening

Plot Synopsis: It is finally time for the youngest Stifler, Owen, to attend high school. But get this--- He is a major dork! Hilarity ensues as Owen tries to live up to his elder siblings, as well as find a vaccine for virginity. Eugene Levy reprises his role as Jim's Dad, who is now Owen's foster father.

Pivotal Scene: Owen mistakes sulfuric acid for sensual massage oils when trying to find lubricant for masturbation, captured on live TV!

Title: American Pie: Rise of the Gynobots

Plot Synopsis: Owen Stifler is now the world's most famous scientist, as well as the world's first self-made trillionaire. But get this--- he is still a virgin! In order to correct this problem, he builds an army of female sex-bots that go berserk and enslave humanity. Eugene Levy reprises his role as Jim's Dad, who is now the Arch-
Chancellor of the Confederated Planets.

Pivotal Scene: Owen gets his penis stuck in a fax machine and accidentally faxes an image of his unit to the Pope!

Title: American Pie: Spring Break Armageddon

Plot Synopsis: After a thousand years of Gynobot rule, the last living relative of the Stifler line, Koreblax, sets about to restore the rule of mankind. But get this--- mankind's salvation comes in the form of a ragin' beach kegger! Eugene Levy reprises his role as Jim's Dad, who is now the forgotten hologram of the father of, by now, a meaningless character.

Pivotal Scene: Koreblax accidentally gets his scrotum super-glued to his abdomen and falls into a vat of tampons!

So there it is! Unfortunately, we will all have to wait some time to see these movies on the big screen, or, more likely, on a block-buster shelf.