!!SPOILER ALERT!!

Well, it's been a few days, but I am finally back from my sabbatical. Did I say sabbatical? I meant custody hearing. I guess I should cut back on my drinking...oh well, I'll miss you, son! Anyway, I am excited to share with the world some news on one of the most popular film franchises of the past decade. Of course, I am referring to the American Pie Series. After five instalments, it has proven to be one of the most epic stories ever to grace the silver screen. However, much to the delight of millions of fans, we are only half way through the entirety of the series. Yes, it has been confirmed that the series will see not only see the completion of the most recent trilogy, but also an entirely new trilogy of films to be filmed concurrently in New Zealand, effectively making the series a trilogy of trilogies. Although a nine film series may seem unprecedented in Hollywood, true fans of the American Pie mythos were well aware of the additional stories. The American Pie series is based off of the 1970's Расстегай американцов series of novels by Russian science-fiction novelist, Aleksey Letnikov. Those dedicated fans who took the time to find the rare English translations of the novels already know how the story will pan out. However, in order to help the rest of us, I have obtained plot summaries of the next four movies.

But first, a quick refresher. As mentioned, the American Pie series is merely a trilogy of trilogies. The first trilogy is known as the Rise of Jim, and consists of the movies American Pie, American Pie II, and American Wedding. Largely regarded by fans as filler or exposition, it recalls the efforts of Jim Levenstein, along with his friends, to lose his virginity (which is a common conceit throughout the series). Eventually he is married. Although it is considered far less important than the other trilogies, it does establish some of the history behind the major characters in the next trilogies.

The second trilogy is the Age of Stifler, wherein the stories of several members of the Stifler family are explored. Steve Stifler, from the first films, paves the way for the rest of his family and is viewed by many critics as a Christ-figure. In American Pie Presents: Band Camp, the story of Steve's younger brother, Matt, is told, where as American Pie Presents: The Naked Mile tells the story of yet another brother, Erik, and his cousin, Dwight. The final film, set for release late 2007, is entitled American Pie: Boner Academy, and will be the first film I preview for you.

Title: American Pie: Boner Academy

Plot Synopsis: Stifler's next youngest sibling is finally ready for high school, and is sent to the prestigious boarding school Boneman Academy, called Boner Academy due to the wall to wall babe-age! But get this--- Stifler's next youngest sibling is a chick! Eugene Levy reprises his role as Jim's Dad, who takes over as the school's guidance counselor.

Pivotal Scene: Stifler's sister, Marjorie, accidentally fellates a
midget at a funeral for the academic dean!

The next series of films, being filmed concurrently, are know as the Fall of the House of Stifler, and are said to be much darker than the previous films. Set for release in 2008,2009, and 2010, these films promise to answer all of the questions from the previous films and are reportedly almost entirely CGI.

Title: American Pie: The Dorkening

Plot Synopsis: It is finally time for the youngest Stifler, Owen, to attend high school. But get this--- He is a major dork! Hilarity ensues as Owen tries to live up to his elder siblings, as well as find a vaccine for virginity. Eugene Levy reprises his role as Jim's Dad, who is now Owen's foster father.

Pivotal Scene: Owen mistakes sulfuric acid for sensual massage oils when trying to find lubricant for masturbation, captured on live TV!

Title: American Pie: Rise of the Gynobots

Plot Synopsis: Owen Stifler is now the world's most famous scientist, as well as the world's first self-made trillionaire. But get this--- he is still a virgin! In order to correct this problem, he builds an army of female sex-bots that go berserk and enslave humanity. Eugene Levy reprises his role as Jim's Dad, who is now the Arch-
Chancellor of the Confederated Planets.

Pivotal Scene: Owen gets his penis stuck in a fax machine and accidentally faxes an image of his unit to the Pope!

Title: American Pie: Spring Break Armageddon

Plot Synopsis: After a thousand years of Gynobot rule, the last living relative of the Stifler line, Koreblax, sets about to restore the rule of mankind. But get this--- mankind's salvation comes in the form of a ragin' beach kegger! Eugene Levy reprises his role as Jim's Dad, who is now the forgotten hologram of the father of, by now, a meaningless character.

Pivotal Scene: Koreblax accidentally gets his scrotum super-glued to his abdomen and falls into a vat of tampons!

So there it is! Unfortunately, we will all have to wait some time to see these movies on the big screen, or, more likely, on a block-buster shelf.