A Better Bracketology

Well, it's that time of year again...March Madness! It's that magical month where people say to one another, "Wow, did you see the Duke game last night?!?" or "That Kentucky freshman is going pro!" or the less common "Son, take off that damn dress and watch the Maryland game with me!" Thanks, Dad! Anywho, the NCAA men's basketball tournament is what gets all the attention, but there's much more going on in college sports than just that. I'd like to take this time to inform you on some of the other tournaments going on as well.

BASEketball: Popularized by the 1998 film from the creators of South Park, BASEketball was actually developed by a small Polynesian tribe in the late 16th century. Every year, the tribes would play a tournament of BASEketball, and the winner would receive the genitals of a mountain lion. When the Spanish discovered the tribe, they took the game to the New World, as well as most of the tribe's possessions and women. Well, the times have changed and the men's NCAA BASEketball tournament is already into the Sweet 16. Oklahoma State is the perennial favorite, and this year is no different. They are going for a three-peat, but they face a tough Duke oppenent this round.

The Condor Slaughter: The condor, the largest flying land bird, is certainly a majestic creature. This tournament seeks to the take condor down a peg or two. In this competition, 100 California condors are released in an enclosed 4 square mile area. Two teams of 6 players each have 2 hours to savagely murder as many condors as they can. Unfortunately, the start of this year's tournament has been delayed due to tournament officials being unable to round up the thousands of condors necessary to play a full tournament. Look for Miami University to go deep, if the tournament ever gets underway.

The Fool's Biathlon: Traditionally, a biathlon consists of cross-country skiing and riflery. In this team version, the Fool's Biathlon consists of skyboarding and eating bent nails. A two-and-a-half hour choreographed team skyboarding event is followed by a 3 hour nail-eating session. The scoring is weighted so the nail-eating portion of the event is more important, and the 5 man teams average about 500 nails eaten per team. The NCAA version of the rules allow for a substitution during the nail eating; this player is usually "the sprinter," coming in halfway through the event and eating as fast as his bleeding stomach will allow. The Latvian superstar Mikhail Stonzkavich (pictured right, trying his hand at amateur boxing) was recruited by Texas A&M and has made a big impact this season, and he's only a freshman! He certainly has a long career ahead of him, or at least as

long a career as the game allows, which is usually about a year and a half. Because teams can only play about one match per week, this tournament stretches into April, so "March Madness" goes into "April Awesomeness."

Stumping: In a stumping match, two 7 man teams face off to see how many tree stumps they can remove from the ground. The NCAA carefully selects the playing field to ensure fair stumps. Stumping received some public attention in the early 90s when Lauren Ingleton, a University of Minnesota freshman, tried out and made the men's stumping team. In an emotional early round match at the 1993 tournament, Lauren personally removed a critical stump that ultimately led to a championship for the team. Shortly after, she got pregnant, effectively ending her stumping career. The Minnesota program has never regained the magic it once had. A new dynasty is forming at Boston College, which won the title in 2004 and is looking to secure another championship as they have just advanced to the Final Four.

So, there is a quick look at some of the other great sports the NCAA has to offer. Take a break from the basketball and try to enjoy some of these equally enjoyable and not made-up events.