A moment of silence for Rev. Jerry Falwell...

Today, one of the nation's last great preachers of purist morality left us, most likely to replace Jesus Christ as God's favorite son. He was a man who, like Christ, was crucified by the media for his views and preachings of the Good Book. In a sense, we are the Jews who killed Falwell.

Let us think of a world without the esteemed Reverand Jerry Falwell, before we reflect upon the world he left us. We would be surrounded by gambling, homosexuality, rock and roll, and, God help us, gay Teletubbies. I shudder at the thought.

Now, let us look at the good he bestowed upon this morally bankrupt generation. He single-handedly proved that 9/11 was caused by, "a social acceptance of gays and feminists in American culture." What the hell are we doing in Iraq? Lets round up all those queers and women's lib bitches, and set this country straight! And who but the great Reverand would help campaign for our religiously righteous president, George W. Bush. It would take a blind man to not see that our president operates stricly by messages delivered from God. He is more Godly than the Pope. There, I said it.

So let us all take a moment to reflect upon the moral principals upon which this great man, who fought homosexuality, equal rights, and also ran a church that suffered a major sex scandal during the 80's, died defending. He passed peacefully in his lair, or office, at Liberty College, and will always be remembered as one of the reasons television, and millions of dollars, are tools of the good Lord Almighty. Amen.

This Week in Celebregossip!

Welcome to This Week in Celebregossip! Reality shows have been a staple of television programming for almost a decade now. Credit their success to their low production costs or towards their voyeuristic appeal; either way, it means major green for the studios. The most recent trend, as I am sure you are aware, is the exploitation of miserable B-list celebrities in these reality programs. VH1 has dubbed it "Celebreality" (portmanteaus are for assholes), and I believe you can read about it somewhere in the book of Revelations. However, this trend has slipped into network television, where stars are seen skating, dancing, singing, or judging other talentless cocksuckers. Well, as horrible as these shows are, I still avidly watch them all. So I did some research and found some new shows coming out this summer that plan to capitalize on this fad. Here are the ones I think will be most successful:

1. "Tuff Luv" Starting on Fox this July.

Tuff Luv is a show that will follow around Brandy, Prison Break's Lane Garrison, and Rebbecca Gayheart (remember her?) as they all come to terms with their manslaughter charges. Seriously. They killed people. Eye for an Eye's Judge "Extreme" Akim Anastopoulo is there to mentor them as they try to piece their life back together through various challenges. Craziest part of the pilot? On her way to the filming, Rebbecca Gayheart runs over three more toddlers! I smell a hit....oh wait, that's burning rubber and flesh.

2. "Flava of Love Presents: Grippin' the Waves" Starting July on VH1.

In another attempt to milk the supple teat that is the Flava Flav franchise, Key Grips from both seasons of the Flava of Love are taking to Hawaii where they must work together as surfing instructors. Remember when VH1 used to play shitty contemporary rock videos? Craziest part of the pilot? It takes a full 12 minutes before you even realize you are essentially watching modern day black minstrelsy.

3. "Are You Hotter than a Fifth Grader?" Starting on FX in August.

NAMBLA (The North American Man-Boy Love Association) presents this reality show with Gary Glitter as its energetic host. Do you like America's Next Top Model but wish the contestants were "younger" and "more like Harry Potter"? Can you not sit through an episode of Kids Say the Darndest Things without a boner? Than this is the show for you! America decides who will be the next NAMBLA spokes model! Craziest part of the pilot? It's presented commercial free since no company would ever dare sponsor it.

4. "Snuff'D" Starting August on MTV. Produced by Ashton Kutcher.

Kutcher's previous reality outing had us living out our envy-fuelled fantasies on MTV's Punk'd, where celebrities were the ones who get embarrassed. This time, Kutcher takes the hidden camera show to the next level by kidnapping hot teen celebrities and filming them in a snuff video. Its all real: the moment Ashton steps out and screams, "You've been snuffed!" the target celebrity lets out a shocked laugh before looking into the camera and repeating the catch phrase in a bloody gurgle. Craziest part of the pilot? The show features outtakes where Haylie Duff actually auditions to be on the show since she is so desperate for screen time.

Check your local listings for these soon to be summer hits!

Maybe We Have to Wait Until She's Dead To Appreciate Her

If I say the phrases, "visionary artist," "awe-inspiring talent," or perhaps "perfectly created in God's image," only one person can come to mind: Ashlee Simpson (you know, Jessica's sister?). Ashlee has been blowing the minds of critics and fans alike with her musical experimentation ever since her sister became famous, and her new album titled "Me, Myself, and I'm Awesome" shows how she just continues to try new things and be herself.

"When I first started writing the new album, I was like, 'I really just want to express who I am with this and put myself out there.' I know the fans will respect that," Ashlee was recently quoted as saying. "I think I really put my heart into this one, and I'm really proud of it." We also managed to catch up with Ashlee's new producer, Rick Rogers. "Ashlee's new album? Oh yeah, I wrote all the songs on it. Most of them were jingles I had planned on using for a failed energy drink called SplatterFace, but once it was proved to cause impotence, the whole thing shutdown. At least I got some use out of the songs, though. The rest of the songs are really bad, but my friend triple-dog-dared me to put them on there, so I pretty much had to." Those of us who are not brilliant artists cannot understand the delicate songwriting process, but clearly Ashlee has a synergy with Rick.

Of course, Ashlee took a lot of heat in 2004 when she was caught lip-syncing one of her masterpieces. What most didn't realize was that she was really paying homage to her heroes. "I grew up on Milli Vanilli...they were music geniuses of the highest caliber. I just wanted to follow in their footsteps, but I guess people just didn't get me. That means I'm cool, right?"

She bounced back strong, and is doing better than ever. "Me, Myself, and I'm Awesome" is poised for a strong start. The cover features Ashlee dressed exactly like her sister in The Dukes of Hazzard. "I thought I could really separate myself from my sister by doing exactly what she does. Be sure to see Dukes of Hazzard 2: Trouble In Hazard-ise in theaters Summer 2008! I play Daisy Duke's twin sister, Daisy Jr. Hey reporter, come back here! Write down what I say!"

Well, there's a brief look into the genius that is Ashlee Simpson. Perhaps one day, elementary school students will learn about Ashlee's wonderous melodies alongside Beethoven's and Mozart's, but more likely she'll get pregnant and go fuckin' crazy on us.