This Week in Celebregossip!

Welcome to This Week in Celebregossip! Reality shows have been a staple of television programming for almost a decade now. Credit their success to their low production costs or towards their voyeuristic appeal; either way, it means major green for the studios. The most recent trend, as I am sure you are aware, is the exploitation of miserable B-list celebrities in these reality programs. VH1 has dubbed it "Celebreality" (portmanteaus are for assholes), and I believe you can read about it somewhere in the book of Revelations. However, this trend has slipped into network television, where stars are seen skating, dancing, singing, or judging other talentless cocksuckers. Well, as horrible as these shows are, I still avidly watch them all. So I did some research and found some new shows coming out this summer that plan to capitalize on this fad. Here are the ones I think will be most successful:

1. "Tuff Luv" Starting on Fox this July.

Tuff Luv is a show that will follow around Brandy, Prison Break's Lane Garrison, and Rebbecca Gayheart (remember her?) as they all come to terms with their manslaughter charges. Seriously. They killed people. Eye for an Eye's Judge "Extreme" Akim Anastopoulo is there to mentor them as they try to piece their life back together through various challenges. Craziest part of the pilot? On her way to the filming, Rebbecca Gayheart runs over three more toddlers! I smell a hit....oh wait, that's burning rubber and flesh.

2. "Flava of Love Presents: Grippin' the Waves" Starting July on VH1.

In another attempt to milk the supple teat that is the Flava Flav franchise, Key Grips from both seasons of the Flava of Love are taking to Hawaii where they must work together as surfing instructors. Remember when VH1 used to play shitty contemporary rock videos? Craziest part of the pilot? It takes a full 12 minutes before you even realize you are essentially watching modern day black minstrelsy.

3. "Are You Hotter than a Fifth Grader?" Starting on FX in August.

NAMBLA (The North American Man-Boy Love Association) presents this reality show with Gary Glitter as its energetic host. Do you like America's Next Top Model but wish the contestants were "younger" and "more like Harry Potter"? Can you not sit through an episode of Kids Say the Darndest Things without a boner? Than this is the show for you! America decides who will be the next NAMBLA spokes model! Craziest part of the pilot? It's presented commercial free since no company would ever dare sponsor it.

4. "Snuff'D" Starting August on MTV. Produced by Ashton Kutcher.

Kutcher's previous reality outing had us living out our envy-fuelled fantasies on MTV's Punk'd, where celebrities were the ones who get embarrassed. This time, Kutcher takes the hidden camera show to the next level by kidnapping hot teen celebrities and filming them in a snuff video. Its all real: the moment Ashton steps out and screams, "You've been snuffed!" the target celebrity lets out a shocked laugh before looking into the camera and repeating the catch phrase in a bloody gurgle. Craziest part of the pilot? The show features outtakes where Haylie Duff actually auditions to be on the show since she is so desperate for screen time.

Check your local listings for these soon to be summer hits!