Americans Need to Vacation More, Work Less

Traffic. The office. The gym. The kids. Being "productive." All of these ordinary items have one thing in common: they suck. Yet they seem to consume our mundane lives, forcing us to trample the meaning of our existence into the ground so vigorously that it sticks to our shoe while we walk, and we don't even notice it right away, until we are like, "Hey, is something on the bottom of my shoe?" And when we look, we see that we have stepped in our own lives, and tracked it across our new carpet. This is going to be a bitch to get out!

So I decided to fuck it all and go on a vacation! My life sure needed some spicing up, and I was I ready to grab life by its proverbial testicles and run, run, run. I did not want the traditional vacation, such as going to the beach, camping in the woods, cruising the oceans, or back-packing across Europe. No, I wanted something special.

I decided to call my travel agent and good friend Tammy McMackulson, who, in my mind, really knows how to vacation. We settled on a fabulous idea that would be both family-oriented, as well as relaxing and exciting. I was to do a month long package deal that would give two different destinations and leave me feeling rejuvenated and alive again. I packed hurriedly as I spoke with Tammy on the phone, and rushed to the airport to begin the fun.

The first stop on my vacation was exciting, as it appealed to my love of warmer climates. Tammy booked me a luxurious crag in the third layer of Hell. I had a view of nearly all of the layers, twenty-four hour access to a multitude of torture chambers, and my own pool of boiling magma in the rear of my crag. I even took a photograph with Lucifer and was sodomized by demons on several occasions! The people there were all so accommodating and friendly, and it was not uncommon for strangers to tear at your flesh while visiting. One recommendation for the interested tourist: they don't have soap in Hell. I do not know why, but bring your own.



After enjoying my two weeks of damnation, I decided to high-tail it to the Lone Star State, otherwise known as Rhode Island, for the Tri-Annual Lemon Party Fiesta Spring Bash, or TALPFSB. This proved to be another social hot spot, and I made friends with four gentlemen, Gary Stilwalkski, Bruce Chuckmanistan, Paul Herostki, and Lou. Lou (pictured, bottom left gentleman), who did not remember his last name, acted as a sort of unofficial tour guide for the two week TALPFSB, and by week two we were even sharing a room. There were fun activities nearly every hour of the day, such as playing strip bingo, making macaroni busts of live models, or simply playing jacks in the shade of an old elm. We reminisced on the so called "Golden Days" of the Coolidge administration, and we always ended our nights with Jell-O.

So I now return to the seemingly trivial repetitiveness of my life. The times I had were great; watching the Second Horseman of the Apocalypse singing Shania Twain in the Karaoke bar was nearly as funny as when Lou broke his hip during his morning bath. The laughs and memories will never be forgotten, nor will the valuable lesson that I learned this past month: live you life, but make sure you live it well, and don't forget to stop and smell the damn roses.

A moment of silence for Rev. Jerry Falwell...

Today, one of the nation's last great preachers of purist morality left us, most likely to replace Jesus Christ as God's favorite son. He was a man who, like Christ, was crucified by the media for his views and preachings of the Good Book. In a sense, we are the Jews who killed Falwell.

Let us think of a world without the esteemed Reverand Jerry Falwell, before we reflect upon the world he left us. We would be surrounded by gambling, homosexuality, rock and roll, and, God help us, gay Teletubbies. I shudder at the thought.

Now, let us look at the good he bestowed upon this morally bankrupt generation. He single-handedly proved that 9/11 was caused by, "a social acceptance of gays and feminists in American culture." What the hell are we doing in Iraq? Lets round up all those queers and women's lib bitches, and set this country straight! And who but the great Reverand would help campaign for our religiously righteous president, George W. Bush. It would take a blind man to not see that our president operates stricly by messages delivered from God. He is more Godly than the Pope. There, I said it.

So let us all take a moment to reflect upon the moral principals upon which this great man, who fought homosexuality, equal rights, and also ran a church that suffered a major sex scandal during the 80's, died defending. He passed peacefully in his lair, or office, at Liberty College, and will always be remembered as one of the reasons television, and millions of dollars, are tools of the good Lord Almighty. Amen.

This Week in Celebregossip!

Welcome to This Week in Celebregossip! Reality shows have been a staple of television programming for almost a decade now. Credit their success to their low production costs or towards their voyeuristic appeal; either way, it means major green for the studios. The most recent trend, as I am sure you are aware, is the exploitation of miserable B-list celebrities in these reality programs. VH1 has dubbed it "Celebreality" (portmanteaus are for assholes), and I believe you can read about it somewhere in the book of Revelations. However, this trend has slipped into network television, where stars are seen skating, dancing, singing, or judging other talentless cocksuckers. Well, as horrible as these shows are, I still avidly watch them all. So I did some research and found some new shows coming out this summer that plan to capitalize on this fad. Here are the ones I think will be most successful:

1. "Tuff Luv" Starting on Fox this July.

Tuff Luv is a show that will follow around Brandy, Prison Break's Lane Garrison, and Rebbecca Gayheart (remember her?) as they all come to terms with their manslaughter charges. Seriously. They killed people. Eye for an Eye's Judge "Extreme" Akim Anastopoulo is there to mentor them as they try to piece their life back together through various challenges. Craziest part of the pilot? On her way to the filming, Rebbecca Gayheart runs over three more toddlers! I smell a hit....oh wait, that's burning rubber and flesh.

2. "Flava of Love Presents: Grippin' the Waves" Starting July on VH1.

In another attempt to milk the supple teat that is the Flava Flav franchise, Key Grips from both seasons of the Flava of Love are taking to Hawaii where they must work together as surfing instructors. Remember when VH1 used to play shitty contemporary rock videos? Craziest part of the pilot? It takes a full 12 minutes before you even realize you are essentially watching modern day black minstrelsy.

3. "Are You Hotter than a Fifth Grader?" Starting on FX in August.

NAMBLA (The North American Man-Boy Love Association) presents this reality show with Gary Glitter as its energetic host. Do you like America's Next Top Model but wish the contestants were "younger" and "more like Harry Potter"? Can you not sit through an episode of Kids Say the Darndest Things without a boner? Than this is the show for you! America decides who will be the next NAMBLA spokes model! Craziest part of the pilot? It's presented commercial free since no company would ever dare sponsor it.

4. "Snuff'D" Starting August on MTV. Produced by Ashton Kutcher.

Kutcher's previous reality outing had us living out our envy-fuelled fantasies on MTV's Punk'd, where celebrities were the ones who get embarrassed. This time, Kutcher takes the hidden camera show to the next level by kidnapping hot teen celebrities and filming them in a snuff video. Its all real: the moment Ashton steps out and screams, "You've been snuffed!" the target celebrity lets out a shocked laugh before looking into the camera and repeating the catch phrase in a bloody gurgle. Craziest part of the pilot? The show features outtakes where Haylie Duff actually auditions to be on the show since she is so desperate for screen time.

Check your local listings for these soon to be summer hits!

Maybe We Have to Wait Until She's Dead To Appreciate Her

If I say the phrases, "visionary artist," "awe-inspiring talent," or perhaps "perfectly created in God's image," only one person can come to mind: Ashlee Simpson (you know, Jessica's sister?). Ashlee has been blowing the minds of critics and fans alike with her musical experimentation ever since her sister became famous, and her new album titled "Me, Myself, and I'm Awesome" shows how she just continues to try new things and be herself.

"When I first started writing the new album, I was like, 'I really just want to express who I am with this and put myself out there.' I know the fans will respect that," Ashlee was recently quoted as saying. "I think I really put my heart into this one, and I'm really proud of it." We also managed to catch up with Ashlee's new producer, Rick Rogers. "Ashlee's new album? Oh yeah, I wrote all the songs on it. Most of them were jingles I had planned on using for a failed energy drink called SplatterFace, but once it was proved to cause impotence, the whole thing shutdown. At least I got some use out of the songs, though. The rest of the songs are really bad, but my friend triple-dog-dared me to put them on there, so I pretty much had to." Those of us who are not brilliant artists cannot understand the delicate songwriting process, but clearly Ashlee has a synergy with Rick.

Of course, Ashlee took a lot of heat in 2004 when she was caught lip-syncing one of her masterpieces. What most didn't realize was that she was really paying homage to her heroes. "I grew up on Milli Vanilli...they were music geniuses of the highest caliber. I just wanted to follow in their footsteps, but I guess people just didn't get me. That means I'm cool, right?"

She bounced back strong, and is doing better than ever. "Me, Myself, and I'm Awesome" is poised for a strong start. The cover features Ashlee dressed exactly like her sister in The Dukes of Hazzard. "I thought I could really separate myself from my sister by doing exactly what she does. Be sure to see Dukes of Hazzard 2: Trouble In Hazard-ise in theaters Summer 2008! I play Daisy Duke's twin sister, Daisy Jr. Hey reporter, come back here! Write down what I say!"

Well, there's a brief look into the genius that is Ashlee Simpson. Perhaps one day, elementary school students will learn about Ashlee's wonderous melodies alongside Beethoven's and Mozart's, but more likely she'll get pregnant and go fuckin' crazy on us.

April 30th is Billy Dee Williams Day

HAPPY BILLY DEE WILLIAMS DAY

The Pretentious Nation would like to wish everyone a safe and happy Billy Dee Williams Day, even if the racists that censor wikipedia chose to not honor it. Hopefully by April 30th next year, those bigots will come around to their senses.

In case you forgot or ran out of time to get a Billy Dee Williams Day card for that special someone, here is one you can cut and paste and print out, courtesy of the Pretentious Nation

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Inside:

Workplace Restroom Etiquette

If I had a nickel for every time someone asked me, "Are there any rules governing how I should use the restroom at work?", I would probably have to eat at a soup kitchen, because no one has asked me. That being said, I have decided to answer the question anyway and provide a comprehensive set of rules as to how the bathroom at the office should be used. I'll enumerate how you should do both number one and two (those are medical terms), as well as some general rules.

Section 1: Outside the Stalls

Rule 1: When possible, maintain a minimum of one urinal between you and your closest urinating neighbor. This is a simple, common sense rule, but you would be surprised how often it gets violated. There's always that creepy guy with the weirdo mustache who stands right next to you, even when there are ten other free urinals. Under this rule system, he could face punishment of fines up to $100,000, or at least not be allowed to come out with you guys to happy hour.

Rule 2: Do not let your eyes wander away from the wall directly in front of you. Any glancing from side to side could be interpreted as you being passionately in love with the person next to you, and you don't want Glenn from payroll thinking that you're into him. Glenn's not your type.

Section 2: Inside the Stalls

Rule 1: Dropping a deuce at work is a privilege, not a right. This means that you need to be respectful of your fellow bathroom-goers as you decide whether or not to unleash your hellstorm of last night's Indian food. If you weigh 300 pounds and just finished runner-up in a taco eating competition, perhaps you could do everyone a favor and expel that at home, prior to coming to work.

Rule 2: Upon entering the stall, there shall be a 2-minute grace period before commencing the dump. This allows those who were previously in the bathroom to run for cover from your soon-to-be devastation. Since they were there before you, they have the right to not hear your struggles, and you must respect that.

Rule 3: Absolutely no talking while in a stall. Despite what you may think, this does not lighten the mood. Statements such as "Wow, that was a good one!" or "I am sure unloading my excrement loudly into this commode!" do nothing but alienate your co-workers, not make them feel more at ease. Just do your business quietly and quickly.

Section 3: The Rest

Rule 1: No general hygiene in the bathroom, including, but not limited to, teeth-brushing, flossing, shaving, and taint-cleaning. I don't even know why you would want to do these things at work; work bathrooms are seriously gross. But, just in case you were thinking of doing them, don't. This is not your personal bathroom. You can do them in the comfort of your own home, but I shouldn't have to watch you try to work your lunch out of your teeth when I am just trying to relieve myself.

Rule 2: Always wash your hands. Hell, just pretend if you want, but do something in the vicinity of the sink to make the rest of us feel like you aren't spreading your filth through the rest of the office.


Well, these are some general guidelines. Please make an effort to spread these rules to your place of business. Without some proper workplace bathroom etiquette, we face the possibility of a world where people use the sink as a toilet, and that just wouldn't be rad.

This Week in Celebregossip!

Hello and welcome to This Week in Celebregossip. Sometimes celebrities are always in the news, whereas some lay low to avoid the scrutiny of the media. Others still manage to be all the rage for a year or two and then disappear completely. This can happen for any number of reasons, such as overexposure or poor publicity. However, this can lead to rumors and urban legends about the whereabouts of a certain celebrity. Are they alive? Are they dead? Where are they now? Well, unfortunately many of these urban legends are simply erroneous. I hope to dispel some of the more notorious myths for you...I think you will see that the truth is far more simple and routine than any of these outrageous legends.

1. Kurt Cobain

Myth: Kurt Cobain died from a self inflicted gunshot wound to the head, leaving a suicide note stating that it was, "better to burn out than to fade away."
Reality: Cobain did in fact die, and, yes, it would appear to the casual observer that it was from a gunshot wound. However, the reason the back of his head exploded, sending grey matter and skull fragments everywhere, was far less shocking. Against the wishes of his physician and band mates, Cobain decided to attempt to cover a song by David Bowie. The song was The Man Who Sold the World, and to this day there are still douche bags who attribute it to Cobain. Even the casual scientist or theologian knows that to attempt to cover Bowie is like staring at the face of God; the human body can simply not handle the awesome power. Dr. Phineas Hewitt of MIT has publicly stated, "It was not wise of Nirvana to attempt a Bowie song. In fact it was downright retarded, like my nephew." After an MTV unplugged performance of the song, Cobain was seen in what was perceived to be and epileptic fit. Then a surge of white light burst out of the back of his head, covering Dave Grohl in brain. Then, his testicles imploded, spraying the first several rows of audience members with a gooey paste. So ended the life of an overrated musician.
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2. River Phoenix

Myth: River Phoenix died of a heroin overdose on Halloween.

Reality: Sure, River OD'ed on heroin countless times, but he always escaped death. Again, the reality is far less glamorous than the urban legend. River phoenix is currently alive and well. However, there is a good reason why we haven't seen him around. One day in the hot summer of '93, River was caught in the middle of a ferocious lightening storm. He was struck with a lightening bolt that was attracted to a metal syringe he was using to inject heroin into a vein on his penis. The resulting surge of energy quickly wreaked havoc on his body; the musculature of his face was altered leaving him deformed, his hair was charred, and the blood in his testicles boiled at such a high heat, he effectively cooked his reproductive organs. Nevertheless, he is still alive. Rather than turn away fans by the grotesque truth, his publicist chose to tell the public that River had died. However, after years of therapy and reconstructive surgery, he now has a lucrative acting career under the name Joaquin Phoenix.

VERDICT:

3. Mena Suvari
Myth: The American Beauty actress is alive and well and still acting.
Reality: Mena Suvari was a bright young actress at the end of the nineties. But by the middle of the next decade she had almost nearly fell of the face of the earth. The simple truth is that she tried desperately to remain in the limelight, eventually leading to a bout with bulimia. The already skinny actress was soon down to 89 pounds. Her manager and agent urged her to try to rebuild her image, so she decided to enter into a charity marathon called A Run for the Runs, an event hoping to end dysentery in third world countries. Suvari managed to keep up a decent pace but eventually the heat, the exercise, and the numerous laxatives she ingested to help lose weight caught up to her. Around the 5th mile of the race, her body began to shut down and she began to uncontrollably defecate. Medics arrived but it was unfortunately too late; Mena had died from diarrhea related dehydration. Interesting side note: TV's Dick Van Patten, another participant in the race, slipped on Suvari's waste and sprained his testicles!
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4. Jaleel "Urkel" White
Myth: The Family Matters star is now a noted independent film director/producer
Reality: Jaleel White could never escape his old identity of Steve Urkel, the world's only black nerd. White hated nothing more than to be confused with his character, with whom he had nothing in common. When he turned 26, Urkel was so frustrated that he began to hate not only his former fans, but Americans in general. At age thirty, he travelled to Iraq and changed his name to Hamed Fared al-Sayeedi, and quickly rose among the ranks of Al-Qaeda, fueled by his hatred for the United States. He conducted several bombings and raids, but was driven over the edge when chants of, "Urkel is a traitor!" echoed throughout the streets of Baghdad. This led to his most villainous terrorist action, blowing up an envoy of new reporters, soldiers, and oil workers, claiming 63 lives. After the explosion, eye witnesses claimed to hear maniacal laughter, followed by a shrill, whiny, "Did I doooo thaaat?" Occupation forces pursued Urkel, but he managed to fight them off. Although a soldier managed to get of a shot, tearing through Urkel's testicles and searing his mons pubis, Urkel is still presumed to be alive and dangerous.
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I hope this clears up some of the ludicrous myths out there. See you next week for more Celebregossip, here at the Pretentious Nation.