Workplace Restroom Etiquette

If I had a nickel for every time someone asked me, "Are there any rules governing how I should use the restroom at work?", I would probably have to eat at a soup kitchen, because no one has asked me. That being said, I have decided to answer the question anyway and provide a comprehensive set of rules as to how the bathroom at the office should be used. I'll enumerate how you should do both number one and two (those are medical terms), as well as some general rules.

Section 1: Outside the Stalls

Rule 1: When possible, maintain a minimum of one urinal between you and your closest urinating neighbor. This is a simple, common sense rule, but you would be surprised how often it gets violated. There's always that creepy guy with the weirdo mustache who stands right next to you, even when there are ten other free urinals. Under this rule system, he could face punishment of fines up to $100,000, or at least not be allowed to come out with you guys to happy hour.

Rule 2: Do not let your eyes wander away from the wall directly in front of you. Any glancing from side to side could be interpreted as you being passionately in love with the person next to you, and you don't want Glenn from payroll thinking that you're into him. Glenn's not your type.

Section 2: Inside the Stalls

Rule 1: Dropping a deuce at work is a privilege, not a right. This means that you need to be respectful of your fellow bathroom-goers as you decide whether or not to unleash your hellstorm of last night's Indian food. If you weigh 300 pounds and just finished runner-up in a taco eating competition, perhaps you could do everyone a favor and expel that at home, prior to coming to work.

Rule 2: Upon entering the stall, there shall be a 2-minute grace period before commencing the dump. This allows those who were previously in the bathroom to run for cover from your soon-to-be devastation. Since they were there before you, they have the right to not hear your struggles, and you must respect that.

Rule 3: Absolutely no talking while in a stall. Despite what you may think, this does not lighten the mood. Statements such as "Wow, that was a good one!" or "I am sure unloading my excrement loudly into this commode!" do nothing but alienate your co-workers, not make them feel more at ease. Just do your business quietly and quickly.

Section 3: The Rest

Rule 1: No general hygiene in the bathroom, including, but not limited to, teeth-brushing, flossing, shaving, and taint-cleaning. I don't even know why you would want to do these things at work; work bathrooms are seriously gross. But, just in case you were thinking of doing them, don't. This is not your personal bathroom. You can do them in the comfort of your own home, but I shouldn't have to watch you try to work your lunch out of your teeth when I am just trying to relieve myself.

Rule 2: Always wash your hands. Hell, just pretend if you want, but do something in the vicinity of the sink to make the rest of us feel like you aren't spreading your filth through the rest of the office.


Well, these are some general guidelines. Please make an effort to spread these rules to your place of business. Without some proper workplace bathroom etiquette, we face the possibility of a world where people use the sink as a toilet, and that just wouldn't be rad.