This Week in Celebregossip!

Hello and welcome to This Week in Celebregossip. Sometimes celebrities are always in the news, whereas some lay low to avoid the scrutiny of the media. Others still manage to be all the rage for a year or two and then disappear completely. This can happen for any number of reasons, such as overexposure or poor publicity. However, this can lead to rumors and urban legends about the whereabouts of a certain celebrity. Are they alive? Are they dead? Where are they now? Well, unfortunately many of these urban legends are simply erroneous. I hope to dispel some of the more notorious myths for you...I think you will see that the truth is far more simple and routine than any of these outrageous legends.

1. Kurt Cobain

Myth: Kurt Cobain died from a self inflicted gunshot wound to the head, leaving a suicide note stating that it was, "better to burn out than to fade away."
Reality: Cobain did in fact die, and, yes, it would appear to the casual observer that it was from a gunshot wound. However, the reason the back of his head exploded, sending grey matter and skull fragments everywhere, was far less shocking. Against the wishes of his physician and band mates, Cobain decided to attempt to cover a song by David Bowie. The song was The Man Who Sold the World, and to this day there are still douche bags who attribute it to Cobain. Even the casual scientist or theologian knows that to attempt to cover Bowie is like staring at the face of God; the human body can simply not handle the awesome power. Dr. Phineas Hewitt of MIT has publicly stated, "It was not wise of Nirvana to attempt a Bowie song. In fact it was downright retarded, like my nephew." After an MTV unplugged performance of the song, Cobain was seen in what was perceived to be and epileptic fit. Then a surge of white light burst out of the back of his head, covering Dave Grohl in brain. Then, his testicles imploded, spraying the first several rows of audience members with a gooey paste. So ended the life of an overrated musician.
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2. River Phoenix

Myth: River Phoenix died of a heroin overdose on Halloween.

Reality: Sure, River OD'ed on heroin countless times, but he always escaped death. Again, the reality is far less glamorous than the urban legend. River phoenix is currently alive and well. However, there is a good reason why we haven't seen him around. One day in the hot summer of '93, River was caught in the middle of a ferocious lightening storm. He was struck with a lightening bolt that was attracted to a metal syringe he was using to inject heroin into a vein on his penis. The resulting surge of energy quickly wreaked havoc on his body; the musculature of his face was altered leaving him deformed, his hair was charred, and the blood in his testicles boiled at such a high heat, he effectively cooked his reproductive organs. Nevertheless, he is still alive. Rather than turn away fans by the grotesque truth, his publicist chose to tell the public that River had died. However, after years of therapy and reconstructive surgery, he now has a lucrative acting career under the name Joaquin Phoenix.

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3. Mena Suvari
Myth: The American Beauty actress is alive and well and still acting.
Reality: Mena Suvari was a bright young actress at the end of the nineties. But by the middle of the next decade she had almost nearly fell of the face of the earth. The simple truth is that she tried desperately to remain in the limelight, eventually leading to a bout with bulimia. The already skinny actress was soon down to 89 pounds. Her manager and agent urged her to try to rebuild her image, so she decided to enter into a charity marathon called A Run for the Runs, an event hoping to end dysentery in third world countries. Suvari managed to keep up a decent pace but eventually the heat, the exercise, and the numerous laxatives she ingested to help lose weight caught up to her. Around the 5th mile of the race, her body began to shut down and she began to uncontrollably defecate. Medics arrived but it was unfortunately too late; Mena had died from diarrhea related dehydration. Interesting side note: TV's Dick Van Patten, another participant in the race, slipped on Suvari's waste and sprained his testicles!
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4. Jaleel "Urkel" White
Myth: The Family Matters star is now a noted independent film director/producer
Reality: Jaleel White could never escape his old identity of Steve Urkel, the world's only black nerd. White hated nothing more than to be confused with his character, with whom he had nothing in common. When he turned 26, Urkel was so frustrated that he began to hate not only his former fans, but Americans in general. At age thirty, he travelled to Iraq and changed his name to Hamed Fared al-Sayeedi, and quickly rose among the ranks of Al-Qaeda, fueled by his hatred for the United States. He conducted several bombings and raids, but was driven over the edge when chants of, "Urkel is a traitor!" echoed throughout the streets of Baghdad. This led to his most villainous terrorist action, blowing up an envoy of new reporters, soldiers, and oil workers, claiming 63 lives. After the explosion, eye witnesses claimed to hear maniacal laughter, followed by a shrill, whiny, "Did I doooo thaaat?" Occupation forces pursued Urkel, but he managed to fight them off. Although a soldier managed to get of a shot, tearing through Urkel's testicles and searing his mons pubis, Urkel is still presumed to be alive and dangerous.
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I hope this clears up some of the ludicrous myths out there. See you next week for more Celebregossip, here at the Pretentious Nation.