April 30th is Billy Dee Williams Day

HAPPY BILLY DEE WILLIAMS DAY

The Pretentious Nation would like to wish everyone a safe and happy Billy Dee Williams Day, even if the racists that censor wikipedia chose to not honor it. Hopefully by April 30th next year, those bigots will come around to their senses.

In case you forgot or ran out of time to get a Billy Dee Williams Day card for that special someone, here is one you can cut and paste and print out, courtesy of the Pretentious Nation

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Workplace Restroom Etiquette

If I had a nickel for every time someone asked me, "Are there any rules governing how I should use the restroom at work?", I would probably have to eat at a soup kitchen, because no one has asked me. That being said, I have decided to answer the question anyway and provide a comprehensive set of rules as to how the bathroom at the office should be used. I'll enumerate how you should do both number one and two (those are medical terms), as well as some general rules.

Section 1: Outside the Stalls

Rule 1: When possible, maintain a minimum of one urinal between you and your closest urinating neighbor. This is a simple, common sense rule, but you would be surprised how often it gets violated. There's always that creepy guy with the weirdo mustache who stands right next to you, even when there are ten other free urinals. Under this rule system, he could face punishment of fines up to $100,000, or at least not be allowed to come out with you guys to happy hour.

Rule 2: Do not let your eyes wander away from the wall directly in front of you. Any glancing from side to side could be interpreted as you being passionately in love with the person next to you, and you don't want Glenn from payroll thinking that you're into him. Glenn's not your type.

Section 2: Inside the Stalls

Rule 1: Dropping a deuce at work is a privilege, not a right. This means that you need to be respectful of your fellow bathroom-goers as you decide whether or not to unleash your hellstorm of last night's Indian food. If you weigh 300 pounds and just finished runner-up in a taco eating competition, perhaps you could do everyone a favor and expel that at home, prior to coming to work.

Rule 2: Upon entering the stall, there shall be a 2-minute grace period before commencing the dump. This allows those who were previously in the bathroom to run for cover from your soon-to-be devastation. Since they were there before you, they have the right to not hear your struggles, and you must respect that.

Rule 3: Absolutely no talking while in a stall. Despite what you may think, this does not lighten the mood. Statements such as "Wow, that was a good one!" or "I am sure unloading my excrement loudly into this commode!" do nothing but alienate your co-workers, not make them feel more at ease. Just do your business quietly and quickly.

Section 3: The Rest

Rule 1: No general hygiene in the bathroom, including, but not limited to, teeth-brushing, flossing, shaving, and taint-cleaning. I don't even know why you would want to do these things at work; work bathrooms are seriously gross. But, just in case you were thinking of doing them, don't. This is not your personal bathroom. You can do them in the comfort of your own home, but I shouldn't have to watch you try to work your lunch out of your teeth when I am just trying to relieve myself.

Rule 2: Always wash your hands. Hell, just pretend if you want, but do something in the vicinity of the sink to make the rest of us feel like you aren't spreading your filth through the rest of the office.


Well, these are some general guidelines. Please make an effort to spread these rules to your place of business. Without some proper workplace bathroom etiquette, we face the possibility of a world where people use the sink as a toilet, and that just wouldn't be rad.

This Week in Celebregossip!

Hello and welcome to This Week in Celebregossip. Sometimes celebrities are always in the news, whereas some lay low to avoid the scrutiny of the media. Others still manage to be all the rage for a year or two and then disappear completely. This can happen for any number of reasons, such as overexposure or poor publicity. However, this can lead to rumors and urban legends about the whereabouts of a certain celebrity. Are they alive? Are they dead? Where are they now? Well, unfortunately many of these urban legends are simply erroneous. I hope to dispel some of the more notorious myths for you...I think you will see that the truth is far more simple and routine than any of these outrageous legends.

1. Kurt Cobain

Myth: Kurt Cobain died from a self inflicted gunshot wound to the head, leaving a suicide note stating that it was, "better to burn out than to fade away."
Reality: Cobain did in fact die, and, yes, it would appear to the casual observer that it was from a gunshot wound. However, the reason the back of his head exploded, sending grey matter and skull fragments everywhere, was far less shocking. Against the wishes of his physician and band mates, Cobain decided to attempt to cover a song by David Bowie. The song was The Man Who Sold the World, and to this day there are still douche bags who attribute it to Cobain. Even the casual scientist or theologian knows that to attempt to cover Bowie is like staring at the face of God; the human body can simply not handle the awesome power. Dr. Phineas Hewitt of MIT has publicly stated, "It was not wise of Nirvana to attempt a Bowie song. In fact it was downright retarded, like my nephew." After an MTV unplugged performance of the song, Cobain was seen in what was perceived to be and epileptic fit. Then a surge of white light burst out of the back of his head, covering Dave Grohl in brain. Then, his testicles imploded, spraying the first several rows of audience members with a gooey paste. So ended the life of an overrated musician.
VERDICT:

2. River Phoenix

Myth: River Phoenix died of a heroin overdose on Halloween.

Reality: Sure, River OD'ed on heroin countless times, but he always escaped death. Again, the reality is far less glamorous than the urban legend. River phoenix is currently alive and well. However, there is a good reason why we haven't seen him around. One day in the hot summer of '93, River was caught in the middle of a ferocious lightening storm. He was struck with a lightening bolt that was attracted to a metal syringe he was using to inject heroin into a vein on his penis. The resulting surge of energy quickly wreaked havoc on his body; the musculature of his face was altered leaving him deformed, his hair was charred, and the blood in his testicles boiled at such a high heat, he effectively cooked his reproductive organs. Nevertheless, he is still alive. Rather than turn away fans by the grotesque truth, his publicist chose to tell the public that River had died. However, after years of therapy and reconstructive surgery, he now has a lucrative acting career under the name Joaquin Phoenix.

VERDICT:

3. Mena Suvari
Myth: The American Beauty actress is alive and well and still acting.
Reality: Mena Suvari was a bright young actress at the end of the nineties. But by the middle of the next decade she had almost nearly fell of the face of the earth. The simple truth is that she tried desperately to remain in the limelight, eventually leading to a bout with bulimia. The already skinny actress was soon down to 89 pounds. Her manager and agent urged her to try to rebuild her image, so she decided to enter into a charity marathon called A Run for the Runs, an event hoping to end dysentery in third world countries. Suvari managed to keep up a decent pace but eventually the heat, the exercise, and the numerous laxatives she ingested to help lose weight caught up to her. Around the 5th mile of the race, her body began to shut down and she began to uncontrollably defecate. Medics arrived but it was unfortunately too late; Mena had died from diarrhea related dehydration. Interesting side note: TV's Dick Van Patten, another participant in the race, slipped on Suvari's waste and sprained his testicles!
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4. Jaleel "Urkel" White
Myth: The Family Matters star is now a noted independent film director/producer
Reality: Jaleel White could never escape his old identity of Steve Urkel, the world's only black nerd. White hated nothing more than to be confused with his character, with whom he had nothing in common. When he turned 26, Urkel was so frustrated that he began to hate not only his former fans, but Americans in general. At age thirty, he travelled to Iraq and changed his name to Hamed Fared al-Sayeedi, and quickly rose among the ranks of Al-Qaeda, fueled by his hatred for the United States. He conducted several bombings and raids, but was driven over the edge when chants of, "Urkel is a traitor!" echoed throughout the streets of Baghdad. This led to his most villainous terrorist action, blowing up an envoy of new reporters, soldiers, and oil workers, claiming 63 lives. After the explosion, eye witnesses claimed to hear maniacal laughter, followed by a shrill, whiny, "Did I doooo thaaat?" Occupation forces pursued Urkel, but he managed to fight them off. Although a soldier managed to get of a shot, tearing through Urkel's testicles and searing his mons pubis, Urkel is still presumed to be alive and dangerous.
VERDICT:


I hope this clears up some of the ludicrous myths out there. See you next week for more Celebregossip, here at the Pretentious Nation.

Four and Twenty

Another April 20th has passed. As this minorly recognized day comes and goes once again, as it does on a seamingly year-to-year basis, I find myself sitting back and reflecting upon the significance of the holiday. To our parents, and many of those wierd gypsies that get all the week-long holidays and hate Jesus, it was viewed as a celebration of the birth of a largely significant historical leader who, strangely enough, is considered by many as "controversial." But who isn't these days? Don Imus, Alec Baldwin, Adolf Hitler. All great men. All plagued by the scrutenous eye of the media. I am not one to judge.

Others still view this day as a celebration of the herb known as "marijana." As a chef, however, I cannot understand the greatness of this herb. It has a hint of rosemary, but usually tastes like Mexicans. While I do not particularly enjoy the taste of Mexicans, I often love a good taquito! However, my parole officer has adviced that I no longer sample the different varieties of this culinary oddball, and I have been forced to agree. Who needs this dry, olfactory herb, when we have Old Bay? I rest my case. And so now I realize that these observations are antiquated and trivial, just as Exodus 22:19 says, "Anyone who has sex with an animal should be put to death." Thats just crazy talk from crazy people who lived in a crazy time! Did you see that Mel Gibson movie? Crazy! So let us establish a new reason to celebrate this random date in late April. In the name of being fair and balanced, I have interviewed a small cross-section of America, which includes myself while sober, myself while drunk, my cat while I am drunk, and our plastic ficus while I was on mesculin. Following are the results of my highly scientific survery.

1. Bill Cosby Day. - Why do we give days to Martin Luther King and Jesus Christ? Hell, Canadians even give an entire day to boxes! What the hell is so wrong with Bill Cosby? He was a lovably obese cartoon character, as well as the inventor of Jell-O! All winning points in my book! Plus, he is black, and with caucasian mascots dominating the holliday roster, we could use the equal opportunity tax break.

2. Child's Day. - How many times have you forgotten Mother's Day or Father's Day? I know I forget them each year! And what the hell have our parents done for us? I suggest a day that requires parents to randomly buy cheap CVS candies and overpriced Hal-Mark cards for their kids! Damnit, we deserve more than being rased and provided for!

3. Help Terminate an Endangered Species Day - If we all work together, we can put an end to French people and the handicapped! Do your part, kill a crippled frog.

4. Americans against Alpacas - Alpacas, in all their gracefullness, eat too much grass for us to allow for. While we all love alpacas, we must also love our grass. Sweet, delicate grass...This one was drafted after the mesulin kicked in and my gecko spent an hour defending the honour of his two inch plastic palm tree. My Pink Floyd poster just played a 4 hour exclusive set, and my cat started an anti claw-restriction petition. I should stop signing my cat's petitions while on holucinagens.

Well, I hope I have encouraged some of you to help make a change. Many have forgotten the significance of this day, but with a combined effort, we can bring a new face to April 20th. Write your senators. Write your parliament. Hell, write George Clinton's parliament. Just get out there and make a change.

Click here to meet hot local singles!

I am a man of my word. Even if I give someone my word while inebriated. Such is the reason for my next post. Last Saturday night, I had a few cocktails downtown to unwind. (replace "a few cocktails" with "many 22 oz. cans of Schlitz" and "Saturday night" with "Tuesday morning"). I happened to strike up a conversation with the man next to me. His name was Hank Warren, or so he claimed. He went on to explain to me that his brother was Dr. Neil Clark Warren, chairman and co-founder of eHarmony.com. Apparently, Hank had worked for his brother briefly, but chose to start his own dating website. Arguing that eHarmony was just a means to take advantage of someone's desperation, Hank decided to take it to the next level and create his own site: TragiDate.com. He is trying to get his site off the ground, so he asked me to post a few profiles of some of his members. It was at this point that I drunkenly pledged to help him. Here are a few of the "hotties" waiting for you at TragiDate.

User Name: 2hot4U
Age: 13
Turn Ons: Clean Water, Machete-wielding gangs of preteen boys
Turn Offs: Female circumcision rituals, bad breath
Hobbies: Eating two or three times a week. I'm a bit of a foodie :-P
About Me: I know I am a little old to still be single and without child, but I assure you I am still young at heart! I'll still be partyin' when I am my grandma's age, 32. Lawls!!!1!!1!




User Name: fiveforfightingfan12
Age: 29

Turn Ons: The Geneva Convention, A nice smile
Turn Offs: suspension of Habeas Corpus
Hobbies: Oil Painting....Oh, wait, I meant being humiliated

About Me: Hey there, ladies. I am inmate #24601 at Abu Gharib prison! Lookin' for someone who will love me, or at least not strip me naked, smear excrement over my face, and photograph me. A guy can dream, can't he?

User Name: SexxyGrrl1981
Age: 25
Turn Ons: abs, abs, abs!
Turn Offs: Being stoned publicly, Jews
Hobbies: wearing silly t-shirts under my burka
About Me: My friend Stacy put me up to this! Where to begin...I'm just a small town girl who daydreams of being able to vote. Someday I want to move to Hollywood and become an actress....which is odd, really, since I don't own a tv, I can't go to the movies, and I passionately hate America.




User Name: bLuNtMaN420
Age: 54
Turn Ons: Visual or Physical contact...any contact really. And big tits.
Turn Offs: Caste systems
Hobbies: Blazin a J while shit-farming
About me: I am a humble untouchable and I clean shit for a living. People ignore me or actively avoid me. I am extremely, extremely lonely. No Fatties, please.






User Name: HWarren213
Age: 40ish ;-)
Turn Ons: A woman's scream
Turn Offs: Restraining orders.
Hobbies: Model Trains, Weeping, Masturbation
About Me: The name's Hank, and I am the founder of TragiDate.com. I live with my mother, but It's totally cool she stays out of the basement. I am lonely (read: horny) and I am looking for that special gal with a heart of gold or at least a girl that doesn't frighten easily. I'm into some freaky shit.




At this point I would like to say that I have honored my vow. I do not support Mr. Warren's web page (although there are some hot-ass Bosnian chicks). In fact, I am not entirely sure he is related to Neil Clark Warren at all (eHarmony is currently threatening to sue TragiDate). Well, there you have it...I am done playing cupid.

Forcing Our Beliefs on Our Unbelievably Ignorant Children

In the past couple of years, America has finally acknowledged its growing childhood obesity problem. Fast food restaurants have now added healthy alternatives to french fries, such as "apple dippers," and public schools are cracking down on unhealthy cafeteria items. Children's television programming has even tackled the issue, teaching children to eat right and exercise. Most notably, Sesame Street's Cookie Monster has admitted that cookies are merely a 'sometimes' food and urges moderation. A being whose insatiable lust for cookies has deemed him a 'monster' now urges moderation. I was disturbed that this once beloved character had 'sold out' but I was far more disturbed at how television programmers are trying to alter our children's ideas and beliefs. I decided to research the subject and discovered that there were several instances where political agendas, both liberal and conservative, were fed to our children through the television shows they hold so dear. Below I present some of the biggest offenders.

October, 1997: Fozzie Bear comes out of the closet. After the great uproar over Ellen DeGeneres, the muppets decided to air a special in which one of their most prominent characters reveals that he is a homosexual. However, the move proved to alienate most fans. Conservative fans did not like a children's show character with what they deemed loose morals, and homosexual rights advocates were angered that their plight was trivialized by a Rodney Dangerfield-esque puppet bear. The following year, the producers decided to make Fozzie Bear go back into the closet, arguing that, after he came out, he stated, "wokka wokka wokka," which negates his previous claim. Fans still speculate whether or not he has truly changed, often citing his touchy-feely attitude towards Rowlf.

May, 2003: Cobra Commander retooled as an Islamofascist. When the war in Iraq was still in its infancy, the animated children's cartoon G.I. Joe returned to television. However, the newest incarnation saw terrorist organization and enemy of the 'Joes, C.O.B.R.A., become associated with Islamic terrorists. Changes include Cobra Commander announcing a Jihad against the 'Joes, Destro beheading Road Block on television, Storm Shadow suicide bombing G.I. Joe headquarters, and the Baroness wearing a burka. Needless to say, there were many protests concerning the show's racist tones. Many argued that the show was propaganda, influencing children to become interested in the army, since most felt the war would continue well past the time the average viewer reached a recruitable age. However, the controversy was too great and the show soon reverted to its original format.

January, 2006: Dora the Explorer fights Anti-Immigration initiatives. Latina cartoon character Dora the Explorer is known for her innocent adventures, teaching pre-schoolers basic life lessons, as well as delving into the Spanish language. However, in early 2006, anti-immigration sentiments began to come to a head in the country. The producers of the show are strong advocates of immigration reform, so they commissioned an episode to feature Dora travelling to Washington to lobby for immigrant rights, while Swiper the Fox acted as a racist, bumbling member of the INS. While the production team argued that their intentions were good, many critics felt the material had no place in children's television, since the viewers of the show are, as one journalist put it, "fucking three years old."

February, 2007: Fraggle Rock goes Green. With Global Warming becoming more and more of a hot talking point, the entertainment industry has stepped up as a champion for eco-friendly practices. Many movie studios are working to be carbon-neutral, and several actors are touring the country speaking out in support of the environment. The muppets spin-off, Fraggle Rock, is no different, returning from nearly twenty years off air to help spread the word of Global Warming to a younger generation. Fraggle Rock has always been a show with liberal messages, originally seen by many as an allegory for racial harmony. Now, the shows producers hope it produces environmental harmony. The talking Trash Heap returns to advocate recycling and the Fraggles themselves drive low emission cars. Even the Doozers, the industrious race of ant-like people, have gone Green, constructing their elaborate buildings using machines that run on a more efficient, radish-based fuel. Inside sources hint that Al Gore will possible cameo as the new voice of Travelling Matt. Most agree the show will be unwatchably boring.

So now you know how television is brain-washing your children. Sure, you may agree with their message, but can you agree with it being force fed to little kids? You can? Well so can I, kids suck.