Another April 20th has passed. As this minorly recognized day comes and goes once again, as it does on a seamingly year-to-year basis, I find myself sitting back and reflecting upon the significance of the holiday. To our parents, and many of those wierd gypsies that get all the week-long holidays and hate Jesus, it was viewed as a celebration of the birth of a largely significant historical leader who, strangely enough, is considered by many as "controversial." But who isn't these days? Don Imus, Alec Baldwin, Adolf Hitler. All great men. All plagued by the scrutenous eye of the media. I am not one to judge.
Others still view this day as a celebration of the herb known as "marijana." As a chef, however, I cannot understand the greatness of this herb. It has a hint of rosemary, but usually tastes like Mexicans. While I do not particularly enjoy the taste of Mexicans, I often love a good taquito! However, my parole officer has adviced that I no longer sample the different varieties of this culinary oddball, and I have been forced to agree. Who needs this dry, olfactory herb, when we have Old Bay? I rest my case. And so now I realize that these observations are antiquated and trivial, just as Exodus 22:19 says, "Anyone who has sex with an animal should be put to death." Thats just crazy talk from crazy people who lived in a crazy time! Did you see that Mel Gibson movie? Crazy! So let us establish a new reason to celebrate this random date in late April. In the name of being fair and balanced, I have interviewed a small cross-section of America, which includes myself while sober, myself while drunk, my cat while I am drunk, and our plastic ficus while I was on mesculin. Following are the results of my highly scientific survery.
1. Bill Cosby Day. - Why do we give days to Martin Luther King and Jesus Christ? Hell, Canadians even give an entire day to boxes! What the hell is so wrong with Bill Cosby? He was a lovably obese cartoon character, as well as the inventor of Jell-O! All winning points in my book! Plus, he is black, and with caucasian mascots dominating the holliday roster, we could use the equal opportunity tax break.
2. Child's Day. - How many times have you forgotten Mother's Day or Father's Day? I know I forget them each year! And what the hell have our parents done for us? I suggest a day that requires parents to randomly buy cheap CVS candies and overpriced Hal-Mark cards for their kids! Damnit, we deserve more than being rased and provided for!
3. Help Terminate an Endangered Species Day - If we all work together, we can put an end to French people and the handicapped! Do your part, kill a crippled frog.
4. Americans against Alpacas - Alpacas, in all their gracefullness, eat too much grass for us to allow for. While we all love alpacas, we must also love our grass. Sweet, delicate grass...This one was drafted after the mesulin kicked in and my gecko spent an hour defending the honour of his two inch plastic palm tree. My Pink Floyd poster just played a 4 hour exclusive set, and my cat started an anti claw-restriction petition. I should stop signing my cat's petitions while on holucinagens.
Well, I hope I have encouraged some of you to help make a change. Many have forgotten the significance of this day, but with a combined effort, we can bring a new face to April 20th. Write your senators. Write your parliament. Hell, write George Clinton's parliament. Just get out there and make a change.
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