Click here to meet hot local singles!

I am a man of my word. Even if I give someone my word while inebriated. Such is the reason for my next post. Last Saturday night, I had a few cocktails downtown to unwind. (replace "a few cocktails" with "many 22 oz. cans of Schlitz" and "Saturday night" with "Tuesday morning"). I happened to strike up a conversation with the man next to me. His name was Hank Warren, or so he claimed. He went on to explain to me that his brother was Dr. Neil Clark Warren, chairman and co-founder of eHarmony.com. Apparently, Hank had worked for his brother briefly, but chose to start his own dating website. Arguing that eHarmony was just a means to take advantage of someone's desperation, Hank decided to take it to the next level and create his own site: TragiDate.com. He is trying to get his site off the ground, so he asked me to post a few profiles of some of his members. It was at this point that I drunkenly pledged to help him. Here are a few of the "hotties" waiting for you at TragiDate.

User Name: 2hot4U
Age: 13
Turn Ons: Clean Water, Machete-wielding gangs of preteen boys
Turn Offs: Female circumcision rituals, bad breath
Hobbies: Eating two or three times a week. I'm a bit of a foodie :-P
About Me: I know I am a little old to still be single and without child, but I assure you I am still young at heart! I'll still be partyin' when I am my grandma's age, 32. Lawls!!!1!!1!




User Name: fiveforfightingfan12
Age: 29

Turn Ons: The Geneva Convention, A nice smile
Turn Offs: suspension of Habeas Corpus
Hobbies: Oil Painting....Oh, wait, I meant being humiliated

About Me: Hey there, ladies. I am inmate #24601 at Abu Gharib prison! Lookin' for someone who will love me, or at least not strip me naked, smear excrement over my face, and photograph me. A guy can dream, can't he?

User Name: SexxyGrrl1981
Age: 25
Turn Ons: abs, abs, abs!
Turn Offs: Being stoned publicly, Jews
Hobbies: wearing silly t-shirts under my burka
About Me: My friend Stacy put me up to this! Where to begin...I'm just a small town girl who daydreams of being able to vote. Someday I want to move to Hollywood and become an actress....which is odd, really, since I don't own a tv, I can't go to the movies, and I passionately hate America.




User Name: bLuNtMaN420
Age: 54
Turn Ons: Visual or Physical contact...any contact really. And big tits.
Turn Offs: Caste systems
Hobbies: Blazin a J while shit-farming
About me: I am a humble untouchable and I clean shit for a living. People ignore me or actively avoid me. I am extremely, extremely lonely. No Fatties, please.






User Name: HWarren213
Age: 40ish ;-)
Turn Ons: A woman's scream
Turn Offs: Restraining orders.
Hobbies: Model Trains, Weeping, Masturbation
About Me: The name's Hank, and I am the founder of TragiDate.com. I live with my mother, but It's totally cool she stays out of the basement. I am lonely (read: horny) and I am looking for that special gal with a heart of gold or at least a girl that doesn't frighten easily. I'm into some freaky shit.




At this point I would like to say that I have honored my vow. I do not support Mr. Warren's web page (although there are some hot-ass Bosnian chicks). In fact, I am not entirely sure he is related to Neil Clark Warren at all (eHarmony is currently threatening to sue TragiDate). Well, there you have it...I am done playing cupid.