I like my Bacon extra rockin'!

Well, I barely slept at all last night. I didn't get back home until about 4 AM, and when I tried to get to sleep, I kept replaying the epic rock n' roll odyssey I had witnessed not 5 hours earlier. It's safe to say that all those in attendence were changed for the rest of our lives; we were all brought together as one for 2 magical hours, and in that time, the world truly stopped turning. I'm, of course, talking about the opening night of the Bacon Brothers tour at the Executive Inn in Owensboro, Kentucky.

First, a little history of the venue. Frank Sinatra finished a world tour in 1955 with three shows at the very same Executive Inn. The tour had included stops at other famous venues such as Madison Square Garden in New York, Budokon in Japan, and the Sydney Opera House. None came close to matching the performance at Owensboro. Old Blue Eyes himself said, "I don't know if it's the acoustics, maybe it's the crowd, but there's just something about this Executive Inn!"

In 1971, a young Bruce Springsteen got one of his first breaks at the Executive Inn. Opening for The Dildos (a bona fide marketing disaster of name), Bruce gave the show of his lifetime, and some music executives in the crowd took notice. "We have always looked for new talent at the Executive Inn," said VP of New Artists for Sony BMG Mark Little. "It's such a hotbed for new talent."

Over the years, all the huge acts went through there, like the Grateful Dead (reportedly Jerry's favorite place to play), Aerosmith, and Guns N' Roses, to name a few. And now, as if to complete the storied life of the Executive Inn, the Bacon Brothers played it opening night for their 10-show limited engagement tour.

Kevin and Michael rifled through 3 new rockers to open the set. The crowd was into it and responded well to the new tunes. They slowed it down with a couple of old favorites, which I'm sure everyone knows so I won't even bother naming them. Michael then left the stage for a few songs and let Kevin play a few solo songs acoustic, which was one of the best experiences of my life. Everyone in the audience was sobbing as Kevin worked his way through some of the more emotional songs in the catalog, including Getting There and Can't Complain. There was a tense moment as a drunk secretary there for happy hour came over yelling about how she "wants to fuck the shit out of Kevin Bacon," but the concierge handled it like a pro and kicked her out. Kevin, the consummate professional, just kept playing, as if the world depended on him hitting those chords, and in many ways, it did.

Michael rejoined his brother after Kevin's brief acoustic set. They embraced as they too seemed to realize the life-changing effect their music was having. They knew they had business to get to, and they finished out the set with two more new songs. As they left the stage, everyone was screaming for an encore, and amidst signs reading "Bacon for President!" and "Michael, Will You Marry Me?" they came back out on stage. They finished it out with a politcally-charged cover of People Have the Power, and everyone in that audience felt like they too could make a difference, just like the Bacons did that night.

I stayed and tried to get an autograph, but there were just too many people. Of course, the groupies, or "Bacon Bits" as they are called, were out there flaunting their stuff hoping to be the lucky girl that Kevin took home. I left, knowing that I had had the experience of a lifetime, truly having witnessed rock and roll history. I stopped in the gift shop and picked up a sweet Executive Inn sweatshirt at a clearance price before I was on my way.

To Kevin and Michael, thank you. Thank you for your contributions musically and socially. Thank you for the best night of my life. And thank you for being you.

A Better Bracketology

Well, it's that time of year again...March Madness! It's that magical month where people say to one another, "Wow, did you see the Duke game last night?!?" or "That Kentucky freshman is going pro!" or the less common "Son, take off that damn dress and watch the Maryland game with me!" Thanks, Dad! Anywho, the NCAA men's basketball tournament is what gets all the attention, but there's much more going on in college sports than just that. I'd like to take this time to inform you on some of the other tournaments going on as well.

BASEketball: Popularized by the 1998 film from the creators of South Park, BASEketball was actually developed by a small Polynesian tribe in the late 16th century. Every year, the tribes would play a tournament of BASEketball, and the winner would receive the genitals of a mountain lion. When the Spanish discovered the tribe, they took the game to the New World, as well as most of the tribe's possessions and women. Well, the times have changed and the men's NCAA BASEketball tournament is already into the Sweet 16. Oklahoma State is the perennial favorite, and this year is no different. They are going for a three-peat, but they face a tough Duke oppenent this round.

The Condor Slaughter: The condor, the largest flying land bird, is certainly a majestic creature. This tournament seeks to the take condor down a peg or two. In this competition, 100 California condors are released in an enclosed 4 square mile area. Two teams of 6 players each have 2 hours to savagely murder as many condors as they can. Unfortunately, the start of this year's tournament has been delayed due to tournament officials being unable to round up the thousands of condors necessary to play a full tournament. Look for Miami University to go deep, if the tournament ever gets underway.

The Fool's Biathlon: Traditionally, a biathlon consists of cross-country skiing and riflery. In this team version, the Fool's Biathlon consists of skyboarding and eating bent nails. A two-and-a-half hour choreographed team skyboarding event is followed by a 3 hour nail-eating session. The scoring is weighted so the nail-eating portion of the event is more important, and the 5 man teams average about 500 nails eaten per team. The NCAA version of the rules allow for a substitution during the nail eating; this player is usually "the sprinter," coming in halfway through the event and eating as fast as his bleeding stomach will allow. The Latvian superstar Mikhail Stonzkavich (pictured right, trying his hand at amateur boxing) was recruited by Texas A&M and has made a big impact this season, and he's only a freshman! He certainly has a long career ahead of him, or at least as

long a career as the game allows, which is usually about a year and a half. Because teams can only play about one match per week, this tournament stretches into April, so "March Madness" goes into "April Awesomeness."

Stumping: In a stumping match, two 7 man teams face off to see how many tree stumps they can remove from the ground. The NCAA carefully selects the playing field to ensure fair stumps. Stumping received some public attention in the early 90s when Lauren Ingleton, a University of Minnesota freshman, tried out and made the men's stumping team. In an emotional early round match at the 1993 tournament, Lauren personally removed a critical stump that ultimately led to a championship for the team. Shortly after, she got pregnant, effectively ending her stumping career. The Minnesota program has never regained the magic it once had. A new dynasty is forming at Boston College, which won the title in 2004 and is looking to secure another championship as they have just advanced to the Final Four.

So, there is a quick look at some of the other great sports the NCAA has to offer. Take a break from the basketball and try to enjoy some of these equally enjoyable and not made-up events.

!!SPOILER ALERT!!

Well, it's been a few days, but I am finally back from my sabbatical. Did I say sabbatical? I meant custody hearing. I guess I should cut back on my drinking...oh well, I'll miss you, son! Anyway, I am excited to share with the world some news on one of the most popular film franchises of the past decade. Of course, I am referring to the American Pie Series. After five instalments, it has proven to be one of the most epic stories ever to grace the silver screen. However, much to the delight of millions of fans, we are only half way through the entirety of the series. Yes, it has been confirmed that the series will see not only see the completion of the most recent trilogy, but also an entirely new trilogy of films to be filmed concurrently in New Zealand, effectively making the series a trilogy of trilogies. Although a nine film series may seem unprecedented in Hollywood, true fans of the American Pie mythos were well aware of the additional stories. The American Pie series is based off of the 1970's Расстегай американцов series of novels by Russian science-fiction novelist, Aleksey Letnikov. Those dedicated fans who took the time to find the rare English translations of the novels already know how the story will pan out. However, in order to help the rest of us, I have obtained plot summaries of the next four movies.

But first, a quick refresher. As mentioned, the American Pie series is merely a trilogy of trilogies. The first trilogy is known as the Rise of Jim, and consists of the movies American Pie, American Pie II, and American Wedding. Largely regarded by fans as filler or exposition, it recalls the efforts of Jim Levenstein, along with his friends, to lose his virginity (which is a common conceit throughout the series). Eventually he is married. Although it is considered far less important than the other trilogies, it does establish some of the history behind the major characters in the next trilogies.

The second trilogy is the Age of Stifler, wherein the stories of several members of the Stifler family are explored. Steve Stifler, from the first films, paves the way for the rest of his family and is viewed by many critics as a Christ-figure. In American Pie Presents: Band Camp, the story of Steve's younger brother, Matt, is told, where as American Pie Presents: The Naked Mile tells the story of yet another brother, Erik, and his cousin, Dwight. The final film, set for release late 2007, is entitled American Pie: Boner Academy, and will be the first film I preview for you.

Title: American Pie: Boner Academy

Plot Synopsis: Stifler's next youngest sibling is finally ready for high school, and is sent to the prestigious boarding school Boneman Academy, called Boner Academy due to the wall to wall babe-age! But get this--- Stifler's next youngest sibling is a chick! Eugene Levy reprises his role as Jim's Dad, who takes over as the school's guidance counselor.

Pivotal Scene: Stifler's sister, Marjorie, accidentally fellates a
midget at a funeral for the academic dean!

The next series of films, being filmed concurrently, are know as the Fall of the House of Stifler, and are said to be much darker than the previous films. Set for release in 2008,2009, and 2010, these films promise to answer all of the questions from the previous films and are reportedly almost entirely CGI.

Title: American Pie: The Dorkening

Plot Synopsis: It is finally time for the youngest Stifler, Owen, to attend high school. But get this--- He is a major dork! Hilarity ensues as Owen tries to live up to his elder siblings, as well as find a vaccine for virginity. Eugene Levy reprises his role as Jim's Dad, who is now Owen's foster father.

Pivotal Scene: Owen mistakes sulfuric acid for sensual massage oils when trying to find lubricant for masturbation, captured on live TV!

Title: American Pie: Rise of the Gynobots

Plot Synopsis: Owen Stifler is now the world's most famous scientist, as well as the world's first self-made trillionaire. But get this--- he is still a virgin! In order to correct this problem, he builds an army of female sex-bots that go berserk and enslave humanity. Eugene Levy reprises his role as Jim's Dad, who is now the Arch-
Chancellor of the Confederated Planets.

Pivotal Scene: Owen gets his penis stuck in a fax machine and accidentally faxes an image of his unit to the Pope!

Title: American Pie: Spring Break Armageddon

Plot Synopsis: After a thousand years of Gynobot rule, the last living relative of the Stifler line, Koreblax, sets about to restore the rule of mankind. But get this--- mankind's salvation comes in the form of a ragin' beach kegger! Eugene Levy reprises his role as Jim's Dad, who is now the forgotten hologram of the father of, by now, a meaningless character.

Pivotal Scene: Koreblax accidentally gets his scrotum super-glued to his abdomen and falls into a vat of tampons!

So there it is! Unfortunately, we will all have to wait some time to see these movies on the big screen, or, more likely, on a block-buster shelf.

To Catch "To Catch a Predator"

One of television's most recent hits is not what you'd expect. It is neither a reality game show, nor a gripping police drama. In fact, it is a special hidden camera segment of Dateline NBC. Yes, I am referring to none other than To Catch a Predator, hosted by Chris Hansen. TCaP features Hansen surprising Internet predators who believe they are at the house of a minor. Part investigative journalism, part Schadenfreude, TCaP has become one of the most popular segments of Dateline NBC. However, it is not without its detractors; many claim that TCaP is nothing more than entrapment. Due to the rise in controversy, Chris Hansen himself has become far more reluctant to appear on the show, stating that he wishes to pursue other avenues of journalism. NBC executives, as well as a law enforcement officials, who credit TCaP with a decline in Internet predation, have to find more creative ways of bringing back Hansen for yet another installment. Below is an actual conversation between Hansen and a Miami-Dade Police Officer trying to lure Hansen back to another episode of TCaP. Some of the more colorful language has been removed.

The directions, of course, are to the house where the next episode of TCaP is to be shot. When Hansen approaches the house and sees the camera crew, he realizes what he has done and is forced to host another episode.

The Number 23...times 3

Sure, "The Number 23" starring Jim Carrey looks like quite a roller-coaster thriller, but I have the inside scoop on its sequel: "The Number 69." Here's a bit of the preview:

"Bill Smith was just an ordinary, 69-year old man. While reading a fetish pornography magazine entitled 'The Number 69,' he realized that one of the characters in a photo shoot was exactly the same as him.

"He's just like me...he's 6'9" tall, he weighs 168 pounds, which is 69 times 2, and he loves to perform 69's in public restrooms. This is so weird. Martha, look at this, this is about me!" he says to his wife.

"But Bill, this can't be you. This man...his genitals get mangled in a terrible 69'ing accident."

Bill is quickly driven to insanity as the similarities stack up. Bill's full name has 69 letters in it(Bill Loves-Stomach-Turning-Sixty-Nining-More-Than-Anything-In-This-Universe Smith...and hyphens don't count. What were his parents thinking?), he was born on June 9th, and he performed his first 69 when he was 15 years old...which is 6 plus 9!!!

Will Bill manage to survive? Can he avoid the same twisted fate as the man in the magazine? All the answers in Summer 2008. Starring Wesley Snipes as Bill Smith and Dame Judi Dench as his wife, Martha. This film is not yet rated."

Wow, sounds like quite a thriller...is that Oscar buzz I hear? No, no it's not.

A Novice's Guide to Blogging Terminology and Internet Initialisms

The Internet can be a scary thing to novice web-surfers. Since its rise to fame, terms used within the realm of the Internet have become commonplace in the American lexicon, such as...uh...'web-surfers'. But now all of us web-surfers are presented with something new, a hidden world nestled deep inside of the Internet. I am of course referring to the advent of Blogging. If you thought that the Internet was scary, the world of blogging is like Freddy fuckin' Kruger. Therefore, I have taken it upon myself to create a list of terms commonly used in blogging to make your web-surfing easier. Here they are, for all your web surfing needs:

Blog: A web log. Basically, an online journal, but more pathetic, as difficult as that is to imagine.

Blogger: One who blogs. Typically, an asexual shut-in with Asperger's syndrome (Fig. 1).

Blogosphere: The ethereal realm within the Internet where blogs dwell.

Bl'blog: A web log blog. Or a blog about blogs.

Blaugtism: A blogger who is blaugtistic is one who, through chromosomal abnormalities, produces blog postings at a slow rate. See: Phyl.

Blog-Ra: God of blogging (Fig.2). Bloggers worship him in the hopes of a bountiful harvest of comments on their latest blog. Worship generally takes the form of silent weeping into one's keyboard.

Bloug: a British blog

Billablog: an Australian blog

Blahg: a Bostonian blog

Brog: a Chinese blog (sigh)

Blög: a Finnish blog

Blager: Alcoholic beverage enjoyed by a blogger. Used to help ease crippling loneliness.

Blogre: Gruesome, hulking beasts that inhabit the blogosphere. The reason why many bloggers carry broadswords.

Bloggage: Surfer/Pauly Shore slang for posting on a blog.

Another phenomenon of the Internet that may be difficult for some of the more 'green' web-surfers is the use of Internet initialism. When web-surfers converse, it is usually easier to use these shortened terms instead of lengthy phrases. However, with so many terms floating out there in the Internet, it is easy for a web-surfer to get confused. Here is a list of the most common Internet initialisms:

LOL: "Likes Old Ladies"- This is used primarily in dating chat rooms and forums to signify that one has a fetish for more mature women. Example: "19 year old male from NYC. LOL."

AFK: "Another Fucking Korean??"- Used in massively multiplayer online games
in instances when a game is overrun with Koreans. Considered a bigoted term, no
matter how many Koreans may be present. Example: "I was just shot by Han
Moo-hyun! AFK?!?!"

BRB: "Bring Real Butter"-This phrase is common when planning parties
over the Internet, typically to avoid people bringing margarine. Example:
"Mardis Gras party at my place, don't forget to brb!"

BTW: "Better Than Walter"- This acronym is used mainly in news chat rooms as a a compliment, stating that a particular journalist's skills surpass that of the great Walter Cronkite. Example: "Did you see Anderson Cooper last night? Totally BTW!!!"

GTG: "Gay To Gay"- This phrase is a derivative of a heart-to-heart talk, and is usually a preface to a conversation in which one homosexual offers sage advice to another homosexual. Example: "GTG, that man is way to old for you, Barry."

W/E: "I Am Overcome with a Feeling of Wondrous Enlightenment"-One of the most common initialisms, it is said when one is presented suddenly with a life changing moment or epiphany, such as beholding the face of God. Example: "If God is omniscient, then there is no free will. W/E!"

OFH: "One Free Hand"- This is used when you wish to excuse your slow typing since you are masturbating. Example: "Sorry, OFH. Mariel Hemmingway was on the telly."

OMG: "Oh, Merciful Glycon"- This common term is used as an exclamation of reverence for the Roman snake God, Glycon. Example: "Look at this video of an anaconda!OMG!"

IDNHTTOWSTARWTOME: "I Do Not Have the Time to Type Out Words Since There Are Ravenous Wolves Tearing Out My Entrails"- Self Explanatory.

Well, there you have it. I hope this proves useful to all you web-surfers out there. Remember, the Internet can be a scary thing, but with the right terminology, you can accomplish all of your web-surfing dreams.

Congrats, Super Bowl Champion Ravens!

Super Bowl XLI (that's 41 in regular-speak) was marked by blood, tears, and a record breaking performance in the Baltimore Ravens' 138-3 victory over the Chicago Bears. The game was called "embarassing" for the Bears, and one overzealous sports writer even went as far to say that the Bears "should kill one another in increasingly painful ways...then the last one kills himself, I guess. I don't know, I haven't worked out all the details." The Ravens truly put on an amazing show for the world. "This is why I play the game," said Steve McNair, the Baltimore Ravens QB who threw for 13 touchdowns.

In what was thought might be a close game, the Ravens came out swinging. They scored 21 points on a single play in the second quarter using an old college play called "The Louisiana Purchase," and controlled the game from there. Once Bears QB Rex Grossman left the game in the third quarter with a swollen labia, it was all over for the Bears. In an act of pity, Baltimore Ravens kicker Matt Stover kicked a field goal 85 yards into the opposite uprights in order to give the Bears 3 points. "I just felt so badly for them. They're so pathetic," Stover said after the game.


We managed to get in touch with coach Brian Billick after the game. "I don't know what the hell you guys are talking about, we lost early in the playoffs. We didn't play in the Super Bowl." Coach Billick, always a modest gentleman, refusing to take credit for the brilliant victory. Be sure to order your Baltimore Ravens Super Bowl gear. As you can see, Hollywood's Matthew McConaughey already has his...do you have yours? Celebrate your World Champion Baltimore Ravens and order hundreds of dollars of merchandise!