To Catch "To Catch a Predator"

One of television's most recent hits is not what you'd expect. It is neither a reality game show, nor a gripping police drama. In fact, it is a special hidden camera segment of Dateline NBC. Yes, I am referring to none other than To Catch a Predator, hosted by Chris Hansen. TCaP features Hansen surprising Internet predators who believe they are at the house of a minor. Part investigative journalism, part Schadenfreude, TCaP has become one of the most popular segments of Dateline NBC. However, it is not without its detractors; many claim that TCaP is nothing more than entrapment. Due to the rise in controversy, Chris Hansen himself has become far more reluctant to appear on the show, stating that he wishes to pursue other avenues of journalism. NBC executives, as well as a law enforcement officials, who credit TCaP with a decline in Internet predation, have to find more creative ways of bringing back Hansen for yet another installment. Below is an actual conversation between Hansen and a Miami-Dade Police Officer trying to lure Hansen back to another episode of TCaP. Some of the more colorful language has been removed.

The directions, of course, are to the house where the next episode of TCaP is to be shot. When Hansen approaches the house and sees the camera crew, he realizes what he has done and is forced to host another episode.

The Number 23...times 3

Sure, "The Number 23" starring Jim Carrey looks like quite a roller-coaster thriller, but I have the inside scoop on its sequel: "The Number 69." Here's a bit of the preview:

"Bill Smith was just an ordinary, 69-year old man. While reading a fetish pornography magazine entitled 'The Number 69,' he realized that one of the characters in a photo shoot was exactly the same as him.

"He's just like me...he's 6'9" tall, he weighs 168 pounds, which is 69 times 2, and he loves to perform 69's in public restrooms. This is so weird. Martha, look at this, this is about me!" he says to his wife.

"But Bill, this can't be you. This man...his genitals get mangled in a terrible 69'ing accident."

Bill is quickly driven to insanity as the similarities stack up. Bill's full name has 69 letters in it(Bill Loves-Stomach-Turning-Sixty-Nining-More-Than-Anything-In-This-Universe Smith...and hyphens don't count. What were his parents thinking?), he was born on June 9th, and he performed his first 69 when he was 15 years old...which is 6 plus 9!!!

Will Bill manage to survive? Can he avoid the same twisted fate as the man in the magazine? All the answers in Summer 2008. Starring Wesley Snipes as Bill Smith and Dame Judi Dench as his wife, Martha. This film is not yet rated."

Wow, sounds like quite a thriller...is that Oscar buzz I hear? No, no it's not.

A Novice's Guide to Blogging Terminology and Internet Initialisms

The Internet can be a scary thing to novice web-surfers. Since its rise to fame, terms used within the realm of the Internet have become commonplace in the American lexicon, such as...uh...'web-surfers'. But now all of us web-surfers are presented with something new, a hidden world nestled deep inside of the Internet. I am of course referring to the advent of Blogging. If you thought that the Internet was scary, the world of blogging is like Freddy fuckin' Kruger. Therefore, I have taken it upon myself to create a list of terms commonly used in blogging to make your web-surfing easier. Here they are, for all your web surfing needs:

Blog: A web log. Basically, an online journal, but more pathetic, as difficult as that is to imagine.

Blogger: One who blogs. Typically, an asexual shut-in with Asperger's syndrome (Fig. 1).

Blogosphere: The ethereal realm within the Internet where blogs dwell.

Bl'blog: A web log blog. Or a blog about blogs.

Blaugtism: A blogger who is blaugtistic is one who, through chromosomal abnormalities, produces blog postings at a slow rate. See: Phyl.

Blog-Ra: God of blogging (Fig.2). Bloggers worship him in the hopes of a bountiful harvest of comments on their latest blog. Worship generally takes the form of silent weeping into one's keyboard.

Bloug: a British blog

Billablog: an Australian blog

Blahg: a Bostonian blog

Brog: a Chinese blog (sigh)

Blög: a Finnish blog

Blager: Alcoholic beverage enjoyed by a blogger. Used to help ease crippling loneliness.

Blogre: Gruesome, hulking beasts that inhabit the blogosphere. The reason why many bloggers carry broadswords.

Bloggage: Surfer/Pauly Shore slang for posting on a blog.

Another phenomenon of the Internet that may be difficult for some of the more 'green' web-surfers is the use of Internet initialism. When web-surfers converse, it is usually easier to use these shortened terms instead of lengthy phrases. However, with so many terms floating out there in the Internet, it is easy for a web-surfer to get confused. Here is a list of the most common Internet initialisms:

LOL: "Likes Old Ladies"- This is used primarily in dating chat rooms and forums to signify that one has a fetish for more mature women. Example: "19 year old male from NYC. LOL."

AFK: "Another Fucking Korean??"- Used in massively multiplayer online games
in instances when a game is overrun with Koreans. Considered a bigoted term, no
matter how many Koreans may be present. Example: "I was just shot by Han
Moo-hyun! AFK?!?!"

BRB: "Bring Real Butter"-This phrase is common when planning parties
over the Internet, typically to avoid people bringing margarine. Example:
"Mardis Gras party at my place, don't forget to brb!"

BTW: "Better Than Walter"- This acronym is used mainly in news chat rooms as a a compliment, stating that a particular journalist's skills surpass that of the great Walter Cronkite. Example: "Did you see Anderson Cooper last night? Totally BTW!!!"

GTG: "Gay To Gay"- This phrase is a derivative of a heart-to-heart talk, and is usually a preface to a conversation in which one homosexual offers sage advice to another homosexual. Example: "GTG, that man is way to old for you, Barry."

W/E: "I Am Overcome with a Feeling of Wondrous Enlightenment"-One of the most common initialisms, it is said when one is presented suddenly with a life changing moment or epiphany, such as beholding the face of God. Example: "If God is omniscient, then there is no free will. W/E!"

OFH: "One Free Hand"- This is used when you wish to excuse your slow typing since you are masturbating. Example: "Sorry, OFH. Mariel Hemmingway was on the telly."

OMG: "Oh, Merciful Glycon"- This common term is used as an exclamation of reverence for the Roman snake God, Glycon. Example: "Look at this video of an anaconda!OMG!"

IDNHTTOWSTARWTOME: "I Do Not Have the Time to Type Out Words Since There Are Ravenous Wolves Tearing Out My Entrails"- Self Explanatory.

Well, there you have it. I hope this proves useful to all you web-surfers out there. Remember, the Internet can be a scary thing, but with the right terminology, you can accomplish all of your web-surfing dreams.

Congrats, Super Bowl Champion Ravens!

Super Bowl XLI (that's 41 in regular-speak) was marked by blood, tears, and a record breaking performance in the Baltimore Ravens' 138-3 victory over the Chicago Bears. The game was called "embarassing" for the Bears, and one overzealous sports writer even went as far to say that the Bears "should kill one another in increasingly painful ways...then the last one kills himself, I guess. I don't know, I haven't worked out all the details." The Ravens truly put on an amazing show for the world. "This is why I play the game," said Steve McNair, the Baltimore Ravens QB who threw for 13 touchdowns.

In what was thought might be a close game, the Ravens came out swinging. They scored 21 points on a single play in the second quarter using an old college play called "The Louisiana Purchase," and controlled the game from there. Once Bears QB Rex Grossman left the game in the third quarter with a swollen labia, it was all over for the Bears. In an act of pity, Baltimore Ravens kicker Matt Stover kicked a field goal 85 yards into the opposite uprights in order to give the Bears 3 points. "I just felt so badly for them. They're so pathetic," Stover said after the game.


We managed to get in touch with coach Brian Billick after the game. "I don't know what the hell you guys are talking about, we lost early in the playoffs. We didn't play in the Super Bowl." Coach Billick, always a modest gentleman, refusing to take credit for the brilliant victory. Be sure to order your Baltimore Ravens Super Bowl gear. As you can see, Hollywood's Matthew McConaughey already has his...do you have yours? Celebrate your World Champion Baltimore Ravens and order hundreds of dollars of merchandise!

Werewolves Take to NYC Streets

Yesterday, thousands gathered in New York to protest Mayor Bloomberg's recent anti-Werewolf remarks last Monday. When asked about Werewolf rights, Bloomberg, who had thought his microphone was off, was quoted as saying, "fuck those ruddy gyppo fleabags." Outraged by the remarks, Lou Garou, a Werewolf and outspoken advocate for WVBC (Werewolf, Vampire, Bisexual, and Chupacabra) rights and member of the ACLU, organized the protest to help raise awareness.

"People still hold on to the belief that all Werepeople are vicious monsters of the night. That is simply not the case, " said Garou, adding, "We're here, we're Were, get used to it!"

Garou has staged various protests before, most notably his counter protests to the church of Fred Phelps, who believes 9/11 is the result of God's anger towards America's lenient Werewolf policy.

"Phelps believes that lycanthropy is a choice! It is Phelps and people like him who hold up signs that say, 'God Hates Fangs' at military funerals. They are hatemongers!" howled Garou.

Clearly, the nation is divided when it comes to Werewolf rights. I personally support the WVBC, since I don't want a skinwalker to eat my face.

Lou Garou is an staunch supporter of WVBC rights

Tony Danza? I thought he was dead...

You might have found yourself saying just this to yourself, but like me, you would be wrong. According to the nerds at CNN, Tony Danza is, much to my surprise, alive. The man who rocked our world in Taxi, Who's the Boss, and the critically-acclaimed The Tony Danza Show, whose single season changed the direction of my life, is back in the saddle. This Italian sex symbol...well, this Italian symbol is starring in "The Producers" and touring with his band. About his band, CNN says, "In his club act, there's a little bit of everything -- from standards to pop to do-wop to a bit of rap." Apparently, the transition from failed talk show host to Snoop Dogg tunes is easier than we might have thought.

Sure, I might not have been around in Tony Danza's heyday, but that doesn't mean that I can't unfairly judge him. In fact, that's all in a day's work for a citizen of the Pretentious Nation.

The "Bowie Paradox"

Last Month, MIT Professor Phineas Hewitt published an article in the New England Journal of Astrophysics regarding what he had titled, "The Bowie Paradox." His findings, which are the culmination of 30 years of research, have been described by his various peers as, "Einstein-humbling," "revolutionary," and "fucking mind-blowing." However, his detractors not only call his theories scandalous and unjustifiable, but also, "completely demeaning/unrelated to the field of astrophysics." I sat down with Prof. Hewitt at his Providence, MA home to discuss the controversy.

G-Gits: Hello Professor. It is an honor.

Phineas Hewitt: It is an honor to be here,
my boy.

GG: I wish to discuss your groundbreaking, if not controversial, discovery...the so-called "Bowie Paradox" is it? Please help explain your findings to those of us outside the Astrophysics community.

PH: Well, simply put, the "Bowie Paradox" is the culmination of 36 years of my research. It helps shed light on our nature as human beings as well as giving us new insight into the universe...

GG: Wicked!

PH: ...The principles of the "Bowie Paradox" are quite simple really; the difficulty lies in excepting it as the God's honest truth. The "Bowie Paradox" states that, for men, it is in fact gayer to not want to have sex with David Bowie than it is to actually desire sexual intercourse with him.

GG: Whoa...you just melted my fucking mind, Professor.

PH: It is quite a difficult concept to grasp, especially without an advanced degree in astrophysics.

GG: I'm not so sure that I would want to have sex with David Bowie..

PH: Then, sir, you are gay.

GG: Fair enough. What do you say to your detractors who feel that you are trying to justify your own homosexual attraction towards David Bowie or that you are just simply bat-shit insane?

PH: I say the research is there; the evidence is in. People may chose to ignore it, but chances are my findings will set the pace for all future scientific endeavors.

GG: What if you are a woman that wishes to have sex with Mr. Bowie?

PH: Well, not all of the numbers are in, but research seems to indicate that if you are a woman and you desire to copulate with David Bowie, you immediately become pregnant.

GG: Well, thank you for your time Professor.

PH: It was a pleasure.

GG: Oh, actually, where is your bathroom?

PH: It's just down the hall to the left. Jiggle the handle when you flush.

Well there you have it. Interesting stuff. I will leave it up to you to draw your own conclusions.

Phineas Hewitt is the Weingarten Professor of Advanced Theoretical Astrophysics at MIT.

Making the word Magazine lose meaning

Magazine magazine. For all those dedicated "Ziners" who want the latest scoop on magazines. I wanted to have the dude reading the same issue for sort of a mise-en-abyme kinda thing, but that was too tough...

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