Americans Need to Vacation More, Work Less

Traffic. The office. The gym. The kids. Being "productive." All of these ordinary items have one thing in common: they suck. Yet they seem to consume our mundane lives, forcing us to trample the meaning of our existence into the ground so vigorously that it sticks to our shoe while we walk, and we don't even notice it right away, until we are like, "Hey, is something on the bottom of my shoe?" And when we look, we see that we have stepped in our own lives, and tracked it across our new carpet. This is going to be a bitch to get out!

So I decided to fuck it all and go on a vacation! My life sure needed some spicing up, and I was I ready to grab life by its proverbial testicles and run, run, run. I did not want the traditional vacation, such as going to the beach, camping in the woods, cruising the oceans, or back-packing across Europe. No, I wanted something special.

I decided to call my travel agent and good friend Tammy McMackulson, who, in my mind, really knows how to vacation. We settled on a fabulous idea that would be both family-oriented, as well as relaxing and exciting. I was to do a month long package deal that would give two different destinations and leave me feeling rejuvenated and alive again. I packed hurriedly as I spoke with Tammy on the phone, and rushed to the airport to begin the fun.

The first stop on my vacation was exciting, as it appealed to my love of warmer climates. Tammy booked me a luxurious crag in the third layer of Hell. I had a view of nearly all of the layers, twenty-four hour access to a multitude of torture chambers, and my own pool of boiling magma in the rear of my crag. I even took a photograph with Lucifer and was sodomized by demons on several occasions! The people there were all so accommodating and friendly, and it was not uncommon for strangers to tear at your flesh while visiting. One recommendation for the interested tourist: they don't have soap in Hell. I do not know why, but bring your own.



After enjoying my two weeks of damnation, I decided to high-tail it to the Lone Star State, otherwise known as Rhode Island, for the Tri-Annual Lemon Party Fiesta Spring Bash, or TALPFSB. This proved to be another social hot spot, and I made friends with four gentlemen, Gary Stilwalkski, Bruce Chuckmanistan, Paul Herostki, and Lou. Lou (pictured, bottom left gentleman), who did not remember his last name, acted as a sort of unofficial tour guide for the two week TALPFSB, and by week two we were even sharing a room. There were fun activities nearly every hour of the day, such as playing strip bingo, making macaroni busts of live models, or simply playing jacks in the shade of an old elm. We reminisced on the so called "Golden Days" of the Coolidge administration, and we always ended our nights with Jell-O.

So I now return to the seemingly trivial repetitiveness of my life. The times I had were great; watching the Second Horseman of the Apocalypse singing Shania Twain in the Karaoke bar was nearly as funny as when Lou broke his hip during his morning bath. The laughs and memories will never be forgotten, nor will the valuable lesson that I learned this past month: live you life, but make sure you live it well, and don't forget to stop and smell the damn roses.

A moment of silence for Rev. Jerry Falwell...

Today, one of the nation's last great preachers of purist morality left us, most likely to replace Jesus Christ as God's favorite son. He was a man who, like Christ, was crucified by the media for his views and preachings of the Good Book. In a sense, we are the Jews who killed Falwell.

Let us think of a world without the esteemed Reverand Jerry Falwell, before we reflect upon the world he left us. We would be surrounded by gambling, homosexuality, rock and roll, and, God help us, gay Teletubbies. I shudder at the thought.

Now, let us look at the good he bestowed upon this morally bankrupt generation. He single-handedly proved that 9/11 was caused by, "a social acceptance of gays and feminists in American culture." What the hell are we doing in Iraq? Lets round up all those queers and women's lib bitches, and set this country straight! And who but the great Reverand would help campaign for our religiously righteous president, George W. Bush. It would take a blind man to not see that our president operates stricly by messages delivered from God. He is more Godly than the Pope. There, I said it.

So let us all take a moment to reflect upon the moral principals upon which this great man, who fought homosexuality, equal rights, and also ran a church that suffered a major sex scandal during the 80's, died defending. He passed peacefully in his lair, or office, at Liberty College, and will always be remembered as one of the reasons television, and millions of dollars, are tools of the good Lord Almighty. Amen.

This Week in Celebregossip!

Welcome to This Week in Celebregossip! Reality shows have been a staple of television programming for almost a decade now. Credit their success to their low production costs or towards their voyeuristic appeal; either way, it means major green for the studios. The most recent trend, as I am sure you are aware, is the exploitation of miserable B-list celebrities in these reality programs. VH1 has dubbed it "Celebreality" (portmanteaus are for assholes), and I believe you can read about it somewhere in the book of Revelations. However, this trend has slipped into network television, where stars are seen skating, dancing, singing, or judging other talentless cocksuckers. Well, as horrible as these shows are, I still avidly watch them all. So I did some research and found some new shows coming out this summer that plan to capitalize on this fad. Here are the ones I think will be most successful:

1. "Tuff Luv" Starting on Fox this July.

Tuff Luv is a show that will follow around Brandy, Prison Break's Lane Garrison, and Rebbecca Gayheart (remember her?) as they all come to terms with their manslaughter charges. Seriously. They killed people. Eye for an Eye's Judge "Extreme" Akim Anastopoulo is there to mentor them as they try to piece their life back together through various challenges. Craziest part of the pilot? On her way to the filming, Rebbecca Gayheart runs over three more toddlers! I smell a hit....oh wait, that's burning rubber and flesh.

2. "Flava of Love Presents: Grippin' the Waves" Starting July on VH1.

In another attempt to milk the supple teat that is the Flava Flav franchise, Key Grips from both seasons of the Flava of Love are taking to Hawaii where they must work together as surfing instructors. Remember when VH1 used to play shitty contemporary rock videos? Craziest part of the pilot? It takes a full 12 minutes before you even realize you are essentially watching modern day black minstrelsy.

3. "Are You Hotter than a Fifth Grader?" Starting on FX in August.

NAMBLA (The North American Man-Boy Love Association) presents this reality show with Gary Glitter as its energetic host. Do you like America's Next Top Model but wish the contestants were "younger" and "more like Harry Potter"? Can you not sit through an episode of Kids Say the Darndest Things without a boner? Than this is the show for you! America decides who will be the next NAMBLA spokes model! Craziest part of the pilot? It's presented commercial free since no company would ever dare sponsor it.

4. "Snuff'D" Starting August on MTV. Produced by Ashton Kutcher.

Kutcher's previous reality outing had us living out our envy-fuelled fantasies on MTV's Punk'd, where celebrities were the ones who get embarrassed. This time, Kutcher takes the hidden camera show to the next level by kidnapping hot teen celebrities and filming them in a snuff video. Its all real: the moment Ashton steps out and screams, "You've been snuffed!" the target celebrity lets out a shocked laugh before looking into the camera and repeating the catch phrase in a bloody gurgle. Craziest part of the pilot? The show features outtakes where Haylie Duff actually auditions to be on the show since she is so desperate for screen time.

Check your local listings for these soon to be summer hits!

Maybe We Have to Wait Until She's Dead To Appreciate Her

If I say the phrases, "visionary artist," "awe-inspiring talent," or perhaps "perfectly created in God's image," only one person can come to mind: Ashlee Simpson (you know, Jessica's sister?). Ashlee has been blowing the minds of critics and fans alike with her musical experimentation ever since her sister became famous, and her new album titled "Me, Myself, and I'm Awesome" shows how she just continues to try new things and be herself.

"When I first started writing the new album, I was like, 'I really just want to express who I am with this and put myself out there.' I know the fans will respect that," Ashlee was recently quoted as saying. "I think I really put my heart into this one, and I'm really proud of it." We also managed to catch up with Ashlee's new producer, Rick Rogers. "Ashlee's new album? Oh yeah, I wrote all the songs on it. Most of them were jingles I had planned on using for a failed energy drink called SplatterFace, but once it was proved to cause impotence, the whole thing shutdown. At least I got some use out of the songs, though. The rest of the songs are really bad, but my friend triple-dog-dared me to put them on there, so I pretty much had to." Those of us who are not brilliant artists cannot understand the delicate songwriting process, but clearly Ashlee has a synergy with Rick.

Of course, Ashlee took a lot of heat in 2004 when she was caught lip-syncing one of her masterpieces. What most didn't realize was that she was really paying homage to her heroes. "I grew up on Milli Vanilli...they were music geniuses of the highest caliber. I just wanted to follow in their footsteps, but I guess people just didn't get me. That means I'm cool, right?"

She bounced back strong, and is doing better than ever. "Me, Myself, and I'm Awesome" is poised for a strong start. The cover features Ashlee dressed exactly like her sister in The Dukes of Hazzard. "I thought I could really separate myself from my sister by doing exactly what she does. Be sure to see Dukes of Hazzard 2: Trouble In Hazard-ise in theaters Summer 2008! I play Daisy Duke's twin sister, Daisy Jr. Hey reporter, come back here! Write down what I say!"

Well, there's a brief look into the genius that is Ashlee Simpson. Perhaps one day, elementary school students will learn about Ashlee's wonderous melodies alongside Beethoven's and Mozart's, but more likely she'll get pregnant and go fuckin' crazy on us.

April 30th is Billy Dee Williams Day

HAPPY BILLY DEE WILLIAMS DAY

The Pretentious Nation would like to wish everyone a safe and happy Billy Dee Williams Day, even if the racists that censor wikipedia chose to not honor it. Hopefully by April 30th next year, those bigots will come around to their senses.

In case you forgot or ran out of time to get a Billy Dee Williams Day card for that special someone, here is one you can cut and paste and print out, courtesy of the Pretentious Nation

Front:

Inside:

Workplace Restroom Etiquette

If I had a nickel for every time someone asked me, "Are there any rules governing how I should use the restroom at work?", I would probably have to eat at a soup kitchen, because no one has asked me. That being said, I have decided to answer the question anyway and provide a comprehensive set of rules as to how the bathroom at the office should be used. I'll enumerate how you should do both number one and two (those are medical terms), as well as some general rules.

Section 1: Outside the Stalls

Rule 1: When possible, maintain a minimum of one urinal between you and your closest urinating neighbor. This is a simple, common sense rule, but you would be surprised how often it gets violated. There's always that creepy guy with the weirdo mustache who stands right next to you, even when there are ten other free urinals. Under this rule system, he could face punishment of fines up to $100,000, or at least not be allowed to come out with you guys to happy hour.

Rule 2: Do not let your eyes wander away from the wall directly in front of you. Any glancing from side to side could be interpreted as you being passionately in love with the person next to you, and you don't want Glenn from payroll thinking that you're into him. Glenn's not your type.

Section 2: Inside the Stalls

Rule 1: Dropping a deuce at work is a privilege, not a right. This means that you need to be respectful of your fellow bathroom-goers as you decide whether or not to unleash your hellstorm of last night's Indian food. If you weigh 300 pounds and just finished runner-up in a taco eating competition, perhaps you could do everyone a favor and expel that at home, prior to coming to work.

Rule 2: Upon entering the stall, there shall be a 2-minute grace period before commencing the dump. This allows those who were previously in the bathroom to run for cover from your soon-to-be devastation. Since they were there before you, they have the right to not hear your struggles, and you must respect that.

Rule 3: Absolutely no talking while in a stall. Despite what you may think, this does not lighten the mood. Statements such as "Wow, that was a good one!" or "I am sure unloading my excrement loudly into this commode!" do nothing but alienate your co-workers, not make them feel more at ease. Just do your business quietly and quickly.

Section 3: The Rest

Rule 1: No general hygiene in the bathroom, including, but not limited to, teeth-brushing, flossing, shaving, and taint-cleaning. I don't even know why you would want to do these things at work; work bathrooms are seriously gross. But, just in case you were thinking of doing them, don't. This is not your personal bathroom. You can do them in the comfort of your own home, but I shouldn't have to watch you try to work your lunch out of your teeth when I am just trying to relieve myself.

Rule 2: Always wash your hands. Hell, just pretend if you want, but do something in the vicinity of the sink to make the rest of us feel like you aren't spreading your filth through the rest of the office.


Well, these are some general guidelines. Please make an effort to spread these rules to your place of business. Without some proper workplace bathroom etiquette, we face the possibility of a world where people use the sink as a toilet, and that just wouldn't be rad.

This Week in Celebregossip!

Hello and welcome to This Week in Celebregossip. Sometimes celebrities are always in the news, whereas some lay low to avoid the scrutiny of the media. Others still manage to be all the rage for a year or two and then disappear completely. This can happen for any number of reasons, such as overexposure or poor publicity. However, this can lead to rumors and urban legends about the whereabouts of a certain celebrity. Are they alive? Are they dead? Where are they now? Well, unfortunately many of these urban legends are simply erroneous. I hope to dispel some of the more notorious myths for you...I think you will see that the truth is far more simple and routine than any of these outrageous legends.

1. Kurt Cobain

Myth: Kurt Cobain died from a self inflicted gunshot wound to the head, leaving a suicide note stating that it was, "better to burn out than to fade away."
Reality: Cobain did in fact die, and, yes, it would appear to the casual observer that it was from a gunshot wound. However, the reason the back of his head exploded, sending grey matter and skull fragments everywhere, was far less shocking. Against the wishes of his physician and band mates, Cobain decided to attempt to cover a song by David Bowie. The song was The Man Who Sold the World, and to this day there are still douche bags who attribute it to Cobain. Even the casual scientist or theologian knows that to attempt to cover Bowie is like staring at the face of God; the human body can simply not handle the awesome power. Dr. Phineas Hewitt of MIT has publicly stated, "It was not wise of Nirvana to attempt a Bowie song. In fact it was downright retarded, like my nephew." After an MTV unplugged performance of the song, Cobain was seen in what was perceived to be and epileptic fit. Then a surge of white light burst out of the back of his head, covering Dave Grohl in brain. Then, his testicles imploded, spraying the first several rows of audience members with a gooey paste. So ended the life of an overrated musician.
VERDICT:

2. River Phoenix

Myth: River Phoenix died of a heroin overdose on Halloween.

Reality: Sure, River OD'ed on heroin countless times, but he always escaped death. Again, the reality is far less glamorous than the urban legend. River phoenix is currently alive and well. However, there is a good reason why we haven't seen him around. One day in the hot summer of '93, River was caught in the middle of a ferocious lightening storm. He was struck with a lightening bolt that was attracted to a metal syringe he was using to inject heroin into a vein on his penis. The resulting surge of energy quickly wreaked havoc on his body; the musculature of his face was altered leaving him deformed, his hair was charred, and the blood in his testicles boiled at such a high heat, he effectively cooked his reproductive organs. Nevertheless, he is still alive. Rather than turn away fans by the grotesque truth, his publicist chose to tell the public that River had died. However, after years of therapy and reconstructive surgery, he now has a lucrative acting career under the name Joaquin Phoenix.

VERDICT:

3. Mena Suvari
Myth: The American Beauty actress is alive and well and still acting.
Reality: Mena Suvari was a bright young actress at the end of the nineties. But by the middle of the next decade she had almost nearly fell of the face of the earth. The simple truth is that she tried desperately to remain in the limelight, eventually leading to a bout with bulimia. The already skinny actress was soon down to 89 pounds. Her manager and agent urged her to try to rebuild her image, so she decided to enter into a charity marathon called A Run for the Runs, an event hoping to end dysentery in third world countries. Suvari managed to keep up a decent pace but eventually the heat, the exercise, and the numerous laxatives she ingested to help lose weight caught up to her. Around the 5th mile of the race, her body began to shut down and she began to uncontrollably defecate. Medics arrived but it was unfortunately too late; Mena had died from diarrhea related dehydration. Interesting side note: TV's Dick Van Patten, another participant in the race, slipped on Suvari's waste and sprained his testicles!
VERDICT:
4. Jaleel "Urkel" White
Myth: The Family Matters star is now a noted independent film director/producer
Reality: Jaleel White could never escape his old identity of Steve Urkel, the world's only black nerd. White hated nothing more than to be confused with his character, with whom he had nothing in common. When he turned 26, Urkel was so frustrated that he began to hate not only his former fans, but Americans in general. At age thirty, he travelled to Iraq and changed his name to Hamed Fared al-Sayeedi, and quickly rose among the ranks of Al-Qaeda, fueled by his hatred for the United States. He conducted several bombings and raids, but was driven over the edge when chants of, "Urkel is a traitor!" echoed throughout the streets of Baghdad. This led to his most villainous terrorist action, blowing up an envoy of new reporters, soldiers, and oil workers, claiming 63 lives. After the explosion, eye witnesses claimed to hear maniacal laughter, followed by a shrill, whiny, "Did I doooo thaaat?" Occupation forces pursued Urkel, but he managed to fight them off. Although a soldier managed to get of a shot, tearing through Urkel's testicles and searing his mons pubis, Urkel is still presumed to be alive and dangerous.
VERDICT:


I hope this clears up some of the ludicrous myths out there. See you next week for more Celebregossip, here at the Pretentious Nation.

Four and Twenty

Another April 20th has passed. As this minorly recognized day comes and goes once again, as it does on a seamingly year-to-year basis, I find myself sitting back and reflecting upon the significance of the holiday. To our parents, and many of those wierd gypsies that get all the week-long holidays and hate Jesus, it was viewed as a celebration of the birth of a largely significant historical leader who, strangely enough, is considered by many as "controversial." But who isn't these days? Don Imus, Alec Baldwin, Adolf Hitler. All great men. All plagued by the scrutenous eye of the media. I am not one to judge.

Others still view this day as a celebration of the herb known as "marijana." As a chef, however, I cannot understand the greatness of this herb. It has a hint of rosemary, but usually tastes like Mexicans. While I do not particularly enjoy the taste of Mexicans, I often love a good taquito! However, my parole officer has adviced that I no longer sample the different varieties of this culinary oddball, and I have been forced to agree. Who needs this dry, olfactory herb, when we have Old Bay? I rest my case. And so now I realize that these observations are antiquated and trivial, just as Exodus 22:19 says, "Anyone who has sex with an animal should be put to death." Thats just crazy talk from crazy people who lived in a crazy time! Did you see that Mel Gibson movie? Crazy! So let us establish a new reason to celebrate this random date in late April. In the name of being fair and balanced, I have interviewed a small cross-section of America, which includes myself while sober, myself while drunk, my cat while I am drunk, and our plastic ficus while I was on mesculin. Following are the results of my highly scientific survery.

1. Bill Cosby Day. - Why do we give days to Martin Luther King and Jesus Christ? Hell, Canadians even give an entire day to boxes! What the hell is so wrong with Bill Cosby? He was a lovably obese cartoon character, as well as the inventor of Jell-O! All winning points in my book! Plus, he is black, and with caucasian mascots dominating the holliday roster, we could use the equal opportunity tax break.

2. Child's Day. - How many times have you forgotten Mother's Day or Father's Day? I know I forget them each year! And what the hell have our parents done for us? I suggest a day that requires parents to randomly buy cheap CVS candies and overpriced Hal-Mark cards for their kids! Damnit, we deserve more than being rased and provided for!

3. Help Terminate an Endangered Species Day - If we all work together, we can put an end to French people and the handicapped! Do your part, kill a crippled frog.

4. Americans against Alpacas - Alpacas, in all their gracefullness, eat too much grass for us to allow for. While we all love alpacas, we must also love our grass. Sweet, delicate grass...This one was drafted after the mesulin kicked in and my gecko spent an hour defending the honour of his two inch plastic palm tree. My Pink Floyd poster just played a 4 hour exclusive set, and my cat started an anti claw-restriction petition. I should stop signing my cat's petitions while on holucinagens.

Well, I hope I have encouraged some of you to help make a change. Many have forgotten the significance of this day, but with a combined effort, we can bring a new face to April 20th. Write your senators. Write your parliament. Hell, write George Clinton's parliament. Just get out there and make a change.

Click here to meet hot local singles!

I am a man of my word. Even if I give someone my word while inebriated. Such is the reason for my next post. Last Saturday night, I had a few cocktails downtown to unwind. (replace "a few cocktails" with "many 22 oz. cans of Schlitz" and "Saturday night" with "Tuesday morning"). I happened to strike up a conversation with the man next to me. His name was Hank Warren, or so he claimed. He went on to explain to me that his brother was Dr. Neil Clark Warren, chairman and co-founder of eHarmony.com. Apparently, Hank had worked for his brother briefly, but chose to start his own dating website. Arguing that eHarmony was just a means to take advantage of someone's desperation, Hank decided to take it to the next level and create his own site: TragiDate.com. He is trying to get his site off the ground, so he asked me to post a few profiles of some of his members. It was at this point that I drunkenly pledged to help him. Here are a few of the "hotties" waiting for you at TragiDate.

User Name: 2hot4U
Age: 13
Turn Ons: Clean Water, Machete-wielding gangs of preteen boys
Turn Offs: Female circumcision rituals, bad breath
Hobbies: Eating two or three times a week. I'm a bit of a foodie :-P
About Me: I know I am a little old to still be single and without child, but I assure you I am still young at heart! I'll still be partyin' when I am my grandma's age, 32. Lawls!!!1!!1!




User Name: fiveforfightingfan12
Age: 29

Turn Ons: The Geneva Convention, A nice smile
Turn Offs: suspension of Habeas Corpus
Hobbies: Oil Painting....Oh, wait, I meant being humiliated

About Me: Hey there, ladies. I am inmate #24601 at Abu Gharib prison! Lookin' for someone who will love me, or at least not strip me naked, smear excrement over my face, and photograph me. A guy can dream, can't he?

User Name: SexxyGrrl1981
Age: 25
Turn Ons: abs, abs, abs!
Turn Offs: Being stoned publicly, Jews
Hobbies: wearing silly t-shirts under my burka
About Me: My friend Stacy put me up to this! Where to begin...I'm just a small town girl who daydreams of being able to vote. Someday I want to move to Hollywood and become an actress....which is odd, really, since I don't own a tv, I can't go to the movies, and I passionately hate America.




User Name: bLuNtMaN420
Age: 54
Turn Ons: Visual or Physical contact...any contact really. And big tits.
Turn Offs: Caste systems
Hobbies: Blazin a J while shit-farming
About me: I am a humble untouchable and I clean shit for a living. People ignore me or actively avoid me. I am extremely, extremely lonely. No Fatties, please.






User Name: HWarren213
Age: 40ish ;-)
Turn Ons: A woman's scream
Turn Offs: Restraining orders.
Hobbies: Model Trains, Weeping, Masturbation
About Me: The name's Hank, and I am the founder of TragiDate.com. I live with my mother, but It's totally cool she stays out of the basement. I am lonely (read: horny) and I am looking for that special gal with a heart of gold or at least a girl that doesn't frighten easily. I'm into some freaky shit.




At this point I would like to say that I have honored my vow. I do not support Mr. Warren's web page (although there are some hot-ass Bosnian chicks). In fact, I am not entirely sure he is related to Neil Clark Warren at all (eHarmony is currently threatening to sue TragiDate). Well, there you have it...I am done playing cupid.

Forcing Our Beliefs on Our Unbelievably Ignorant Children

In the past couple of years, America has finally acknowledged its growing childhood obesity problem. Fast food restaurants have now added healthy alternatives to french fries, such as "apple dippers," and public schools are cracking down on unhealthy cafeteria items. Children's television programming has even tackled the issue, teaching children to eat right and exercise. Most notably, Sesame Street's Cookie Monster has admitted that cookies are merely a 'sometimes' food and urges moderation. A being whose insatiable lust for cookies has deemed him a 'monster' now urges moderation. I was disturbed that this once beloved character had 'sold out' but I was far more disturbed at how television programmers are trying to alter our children's ideas and beliefs. I decided to research the subject and discovered that there were several instances where political agendas, both liberal and conservative, were fed to our children through the television shows they hold so dear. Below I present some of the biggest offenders.

October, 1997: Fozzie Bear comes out of the closet. After the great uproar over Ellen DeGeneres, the muppets decided to air a special in which one of their most prominent characters reveals that he is a homosexual. However, the move proved to alienate most fans. Conservative fans did not like a children's show character with what they deemed loose morals, and homosexual rights advocates were angered that their plight was trivialized by a Rodney Dangerfield-esque puppet bear. The following year, the producers decided to make Fozzie Bear go back into the closet, arguing that, after he came out, he stated, "wokka wokka wokka," which negates his previous claim. Fans still speculate whether or not he has truly changed, often citing his touchy-feely attitude towards Rowlf.

May, 2003: Cobra Commander retooled as an Islamofascist. When the war in Iraq was still in its infancy, the animated children's cartoon G.I. Joe returned to television. However, the newest incarnation saw terrorist organization and enemy of the 'Joes, C.O.B.R.A., become associated with Islamic terrorists. Changes include Cobra Commander announcing a Jihad against the 'Joes, Destro beheading Road Block on television, Storm Shadow suicide bombing G.I. Joe headquarters, and the Baroness wearing a burka. Needless to say, there were many protests concerning the show's racist tones. Many argued that the show was propaganda, influencing children to become interested in the army, since most felt the war would continue well past the time the average viewer reached a recruitable age. However, the controversy was too great and the show soon reverted to its original format.

January, 2006: Dora the Explorer fights Anti-Immigration initiatives. Latina cartoon character Dora the Explorer is known for her innocent adventures, teaching pre-schoolers basic life lessons, as well as delving into the Spanish language. However, in early 2006, anti-immigration sentiments began to come to a head in the country. The producers of the show are strong advocates of immigration reform, so they commissioned an episode to feature Dora travelling to Washington to lobby for immigrant rights, while Swiper the Fox acted as a racist, bumbling member of the INS. While the production team argued that their intentions were good, many critics felt the material had no place in children's television, since the viewers of the show are, as one journalist put it, "fucking three years old."

February, 2007: Fraggle Rock goes Green. With Global Warming becoming more and more of a hot talking point, the entertainment industry has stepped up as a champion for eco-friendly practices. Many movie studios are working to be carbon-neutral, and several actors are touring the country speaking out in support of the environment. The muppets spin-off, Fraggle Rock, is no different, returning from nearly twenty years off air to help spread the word of Global Warming to a younger generation. Fraggle Rock has always been a show with liberal messages, originally seen by many as an allegory for racial harmony. Now, the shows producers hope it produces environmental harmony. The talking Trash Heap returns to advocate recycling and the Fraggles themselves drive low emission cars. Even the Doozers, the industrious race of ant-like people, have gone Green, constructing their elaborate buildings using machines that run on a more efficient, radish-based fuel. Inside sources hint that Al Gore will possible cameo as the new voice of Travelling Matt. Most agree the show will be unwatchably boring.

So now you know how television is brain-washing your children. Sure, you may agree with their message, but can you agree with it being force fed to little kids? You can? Well so can I, kids suck.

I like my Bacon extra rockin'!

Well, I barely slept at all last night. I didn't get back home until about 4 AM, and when I tried to get to sleep, I kept replaying the epic rock n' roll odyssey I had witnessed not 5 hours earlier. It's safe to say that all those in attendence were changed for the rest of our lives; we were all brought together as one for 2 magical hours, and in that time, the world truly stopped turning. I'm, of course, talking about the opening night of the Bacon Brothers tour at the Executive Inn in Owensboro, Kentucky.

First, a little history of the venue. Frank Sinatra finished a world tour in 1955 with three shows at the very same Executive Inn. The tour had included stops at other famous venues such as Madison Square Garden in New York, Budokon in Japan, and the Sydney Opera House. None came close to matching the performance at Owensboro. Old Blue Eyes himself said, "I don't know if it's the acoustics, maybe it's the crowd, but there's just something about this Executive Inn!"

In 1971, a young Bruce Springsteen got one of his first breaks at the Executive Inn. Opening for The Dildos (a bona fide marketing disaster of name), Bruce gave the show of his lifetime, and some music executives in the crowd took notice. "We have always looked for new talent at the Executive Inn," said VP of New Artists for Sony BMG Mark Little. "It's such a hotbed for new talent."

Over the years, all the huge acts went through there, like the Grateful Dead (reportedly Jerry's favorite place to play), Aerosmith, and Guns N' Roses, to name a few. And now, as if to complete the storied life of the Executive Inn, the Bacon Brothers played it opening night for their 10-show limited engagement tour.

Kevin and Michael rifled through 3 new rockers to open the set. The crowd was into it and responded well to the new tunes. They slowed it down with a couple of old favorites, which I'm sure everyone knows so I won't even bother naming them. Michael then left the stage for a few songs and let Kevin play a few solo songs acoustic, which was one of the best experiences of my life. Everyone in the audience was sobbing as Kevin worked his way through some of the more emotional songs in the catalog, including Getting There and Can't Complain. There was a tense moment as a drunk secretary there for happy hour came over yelling about how she "wants to fuck the shit out of Kevin Bacon," but the concierge handled it like a pro and kicked her out. Kevin, the consummate professional, just kept playing, as if the world depended on him hitting those chords, and in many ways, it did.

Michael rejoined his brother after Kevin's brief acoustic set. They embraced as they too seemed to realize the life-changing effect their music was having. They knew they had business to get to, and they finished out the set with two more new songs. As they left the stage, everyone was screaming for an encore, and amidst signs reading "Bacon for President!" and "Michael, Will You Marry Me?" they came back out on stage. They finished it out with a politcally-charged cover of People Have the Power, and everyone in that audience felt like they too could make a difference, just like the Bacons did that night.

I stayed and tried to get an autograph, but there were just too many people. Of course, the groupies, or "Bacon Bits" as they are called, were out there flaunting their stuff hoping to be the lucky girl that Kevin took home. I left, knowing that I had had the experience of a lifetime, truly having witnessed rock and roll history. I stopped in the gift shop and picked up a sweet Executive Inn sweatshirt at a clearance price before I was on my way.

To Kevin and Michael, thank you. Thank you for your contributions musically and socially. Thank you for the best night of my life. And thank you for being you.

A Better Bracketology

Well, it's that time of year again...March Madness! It's that magical month where people say to one another, "Wow, did you see the Duke game last night?!?" or "That Kentucky freshman is going pro!" or the less common "Son, take off that damn dress and watch the Maryland game with me!" Thanks, Dad! Anywho, the NCAA men's basketball tournament is what gets all the attention, but there's much more going on in college sports than just that. I'd like to take this time to inform you on some of the other tournaments going on as well.

BASEketball: Popularized by the 1998 film from the creators of South Park, BASEketball was actually developed by a small Polynesian tribe in the late 16th century. Every year, the tribes would play a tournament of BASEketball, and the winner would receive the genitals of a mountain lion. When the Spanish discovered the tribe, they took the game to the New World, as well as most of the tribe's possessions and women. Well, the times have changed and the men's NCAA BASEketball tournament is already into the Sweet 16. Oklahoma State is the perennial favorite, and this year is no different. They are going for a three-peat, but they face a tough Duke oppenent this round.

The Condor Slaughter: The condor, the largest flying land bird, is certainly a majestic creature. This tournament seeks to the take condor down a peg or two. In this competition, 100 California condors are released in an enclosed 4 square mile area. Two teams of 6 players each have 2 hours to savagely murder as many condors as they can. Unfortunately, the start of this year's tournament has been delayed due to tournament officials being unable to round up the thousands of condors necessary to play a full tournament. Look for Miami University to go deep, if the tournament ever gets underway.

The Fool's Biathlon: Traditionally, a biathlon consists of cross-country skiing and riflery. In this team version, the Fool's Biathlon consists of skyboarding and eating bent nails. A two-and-a-half hour choreographed team skyboarding event is followed by a 3 hour nail-eating session. The scoring is weighted so the nail-eating portion of the event is more important, and the 5 man teams average about 500 nails eaten per team. The NCAA version of the rules allow for a substitution during the nail eating; this player is usually "the sprinter," coming in halfway through the event and eating as fast as his bleeding stomach will allow. The Latvian superstar Mikhail Stonzkavich (pictured right, trying his hand at amateur boxing) was recruited by Texas A&M and has made a big impact this season, and he's only a freshman! He certainly has a long career ahead of him, or at least as

long a career as the game allows, which is usually about a year and a half. Because teams can only play about one match per week, this tournament stretches into April, so "March Madness" goes into "April Awesomeness."

Stumping: In a stumping match, two 7 man teams face off to see how many tree stumps they can remove from the ground. The NCAA carefully selects the playing field to ensure fair stumps. Stumping received some public attention in the early 90s when Lauren Ingleton, a University of Minnesota freshman, tried out and made the men's stumping team. In an emotional early round match at the 1993 tournament, Lauren personally removed a critical stump that ultimately led to a championship for the team. Shortly after, she got pregnant, effectively ending her stumping career. The Minnesota program has never regained the magic it once had. A new dynasty is forming at Boston College, which won the title in 2004 and is looking to secure another championship as they have just advanced to the Final Four.

So, there is a quick look at some of the other great sports the NCAA has to offer. Take a break from the basketball and try to enjoy some of these equally enjoyable and not made-up events.

!!SPOILER ALERT!!

Well, it's been a few days, but I am finally back from my sabbatical. Did I say sabbatical? I meant custody hearing. I guess I should cut back on my drinking...oh well, I'll miss you, son! Anyway, I am excited to share with the world some news on one of the most popular film franchises of the past decade. Of course, I am referring to the American Pie Series. After five instalments, it has proven to be one of the most epic stories ever to grace the silver screen. However, much to the delight of millions of fans, we are only half way through the entirety of the series. Yes, it has been confirmed that the series will see not only see the completion of the most recent trilogy, but also an entirely new trilogy of films to be filmed concurrently in New Zealand, effectively making the series a trilogy of trilogies. Although a nine film series may seem unprecedented in Hollywood, true fans of the American Pie mythos were well aware of the additional stories. The American Pie series is based off of the 1970's Расстегай американцов series of novels by Russian science-fiction novelist, Aleksey Letnikov. Those dedicated fans who took the time to find the rare English translations of the novels already know how the story will pan out. However, in order to help the rest of us, I have obtained plot summaries of the next four movies.

But first, a quick refresher. As mentioned, the American Pie series is merely a trilogy of trilogies. The first trilogy is known as the Rise of Jim, and consists of the movies American Pie, American Pie II, and American Wedding. Largely regarded by fans as filler or exposition, it recalls the efforts of Jim Levenstein, along with his friends, to lose his virginity (which is a common conceit throughout the series). Eventually he is married. Although it is considered far less important than the other trilogies, it does establish some of the history behind the major characters in the next trilogies.

The second trilogy is the Age of Stifler, wherein the stories of several members of the Stifler family are explored. Steve Stifler, from the first films, paves the way for the rest of his family and is viewed by many critics as a Christ-figure. In American Pie Presents: Band Camp, the story of Steve's younger brother, Matt, is told, where as American Pie Presents: The Naked Mile tells the story of yet another brother, Erik, and his cousin, Dwight. The final film, set for release late 2007, is entitled American Pie: Boner Academy, and will be the first film I preview for you.

Title: American Pie: Boner Academy

Plot Synopsis: Stifler's next youngest sibling is finally ready for high school, and is sent to the prestigious boarding school Boneman Academy, called Boner Academy due to the wall to wall babe-age! But get this--- Stifler's next youngest sibling is a chick! Eugene Levy reprises his role as Jim's Dad, who takes over as the school's guidance counselor.

Pivotal Scene: Stifler's sister, Marjorie, accidentally fellates a
midget at a funeral for the academic dean!

The next series of films, being filmed concurrently, are know as the Fall of the House of Stifler, and are said to be much darker than the previous films. Set for release in 2008,2009, and 2010, these films promise to answer all of the questions from the previous films and are reportedly almost entirely CGI.

Title: American Pie: The Dorkening

Plot Synopsis: It is finally time for the youngest Stifler, Owen, to attend high school. But get this--- He is a major dork! Hilarity ensues as Owen tries to live up to his elder siblings, as well as find a vaccine for virginity. Eugene Levy reprises his role as Jim's Dad, who is now Owen's foster father.

Pivotal Scene: Owen mistakes sulfuric acid for sensual massage oils when trying to find lubricant for masturbation, captured on live TV!

Title: American Pie: Rise of the Gynobots

Plot Synopsis: Owen Stifler is now the world's most famous scientist, as well as the world's first self-made trillionaire. But get this--- he is still a virgin! In order to correct this problem, he builds an army of female sex-bots that go berserk and enslave humanity. Eugene Levy reprises his role as Jim's Dad, who is now the Arch-
Chancellor of the Confederated Planets.

Pivotal Scene: Owen gets his penis stuck in a fax machine and accidentally faxes an image of his unit to the Pope!

Title: American Pie: Spring Break Armageddon

Plot Synopsis: After a thousand years of Gynobot rule, the last living relative of the Stifler line, Koreblax, sets about to restore the rule of mankind. But get this--- mankind's salvation comes in the form of a ragin' beach kegger! Eugene Levy reprises his role as Jim's Dad, who is now the forgotten hologram of the father of, by now, a meaningless character.

Pivotal Scene: Koreblax accidentally gets his scrotum super-glued to his abdomen and falls into a vat of tampons!

So there it is! Unfortunately, we will all have to wait some time to see these movies on the big screen, or, more likely, on a block-buster shelf.

To Catch "To Catch a Predator"

One of television's most recent hits is not what you'd expect. It is neither a reality game show, nor a gripping police drama. In fact, it is a special hidden camera segment of Dateline NBC. Yes, I am referring to none other than To Catch a Predator, hosted by Chris Hansen. TCaP features Hansen surprising Internet predators who believe they are at the house of a minor. Part investigative journalism, part Schadenfreude, TCaP has become one of the most popular segments of Dateline NBC. However, it is not without its detractors; many claim that TCaP is nothing more than entrapment. Due to the rise in controversy, Chris Hansen himself has become far more reluctant to appear on the show, stating that he wishes to pursue other avenues of journalism. NBC executives, as well as a law enforcement officials, who credit TCaP with a decline in Internet predation, have to find more creative ways of bringing back Hansen for yet another installment. Below is an actual conversation between Hansen and a Miami-Dade Police Officer trying to lure Hansen back to another episode of TCaP. Some of the more colorful language has been removed.

The directions, of course, are to the house where the next episode of TCaP is to be shot. When Hansen approaches the house and sees the camera crew, he realizes what he has done and is forced to host another episode.

The Number 23...times 3

Sure, "The Number 23" starring Jim Carrey looks like quite a roller-coaster thriller, but I have the inside scoop on its sequel: "The Number 69." Here's a bit of the preview:

"Bill Smith was just an ordinary, 69-year old man. While reading a fetish pornography magazine entitled 'The Number 69,' he realized that one of the characters in a photo shoot was exactly the same as him.

"He's just like me...he's 6'9" tall, he weighs 168 pounds, which is 69 times 2, and he loves to perform 69's in public restrooms. This is so weird. Martha, look at this, this is about me!" he says to his wife.

"But Bill, this can't be you. This man...his genitals get mangled in a terrible 69'ing accident."

Bill is quickly driven to insanity as the similarities stack up. Bill's full name has 69 letters in it(Bill Loves-Stomach-Turning-Sixty-Nining-More-Than-Anything-In-This-Universe Smith...and hyphens don't count. What were his parents thinking?), he was born on June 9th, and he performed his first 69 when he was 15 years old...which is 6 plus 9!!!

Will Bill manage to survive? Can he avoid the same twisted fate as the man in the magazine? All the answers in Summer 2008. Starring Wesley Snipes as Bill Smith and Dame Judi Dench as his wife, Martha. This film is not yet rated."

Wow, sounds like quite a thriller...is that Oscar buzz I hear? No, no it's not.

A Novice's Guide to Blogging Terminology and Internet Initialisms

The Internet can be a scary thing to novice web-surfers. Since its rise to fame, terms used within the realm of the Internet have become commonplace in the American lexicon, such as...uh...'web-surfers'. But now all of us web-surfers are presented with something new, a hidden world nestled deep inside of the Internet. I am of course referring to the advent of Blogging. If you thought that the Internet was scary, the world of blogging is like Freddy fuckin' Kruger. Therefore, I have taken it upon myself to create a list of terms commonly used in blogging to make your web-surfing easier. Here they are, for all your web surfing needs:

Blog: A web log. Basically, an online journal, but more pathetic, as difficult as that is to imagine.

Blogger: One who blogs. Typically, an asexual shut-in with Asperger's syndrome (Fig. 1).

Blogosphere: The ethereal realm within the Internet where blogs dwell.

Bl'blog: A web log blog. Or a blog about blogs.

Blaugtism: A blogger who is blaugtistic is one who, through chromosomal abnormalities, produces blog postings at a slow rate. See: Phyl.

Blog-Ra: God of blogging (Fig.2). Bloggers worship him in the hopes of a bountiful harvest of comments on their latest blog. Worship generally takes the form of silent weeping into one's keyboard.

Bloug: a British blog

Billablog: an Australian blog

Blahg: a Bostonian blog

Brog: a Chinese blog (sigh)

Blög: a Finnish blog

Blager: Alcoholic beverage enjoyed by a blogger. Used to help ease crippling loneliness.

Blogre: Gruesome, hulking beasts that inhabit the blogosphere. The reason why many bloggers carry broadswords.

Bloggage: Surfer/Pauly Shore slang for posting on a blog.

Another phenomenon of the Internet that may be difficult for some of the more 'green' web-surfers is the use of Internet initialism. When web-surfers converse, it is usually easier to use these shortened terms instead of lengthy phrases. However, with so many terms floating out there in the Internet, it is easy for a web-surfer to get confused. Here is a list of the most common Internet initialisms:

LOL: "Likes Old Ladies"- This is used primarily in dating chat rooms and forums to signify that one has a fetish for more mature women. Example: "19 year old male from NYC. LOL."

AFK: "Another Fucking Korean??"- Used in massively multiplayer online games
in instances when a game is overrun with Koreans. Considered a bigoted term, no
matter how many Koreans may be present. Example: "I was just shot by Han
Moo-hyun! AFK?!?!"

BRB: "Bring Real Butter"-This phrase is common when planning parties
over the Internet, typically to avoid people bringing margarine. Example:
"Mardis Gras party at my place, don't forget to brb!"

BTW: "Better Than Walter"- This acronym is used mainly in news chat rooms as a a compliment, stating that a particular journalist's skills surpass that of the great Walter Cronkite. Example: "Did you see Anderson Cooper last night? Totally BTW!!!"

GTG: "Gay To Gay"- This phrase is a derivative of a heart-to-heart talk, and is usually a preface to a conversation in which one homosexual offers sage advice to another homosexual. Example: "GTG, that man is way to old for you, Barry."

W/E: "I Am Overcome with a Feeling of Wondrous Enlightenment"-One of the most common initialisms, it is said when one is presented suddenly with a life changing moment or epiphany, such as beholding the face of God. Example: "If God is omniscient, then there is no free will. W/E!"

OFH: "One Free Hand"- This is used when you wish to excuse your slow typing since you are masturbating. Example: "Sorry, OFH. Mariel Hemmingway was on the telly."

OMG: "Oh, Merciful Glycon"- This common term is used as an exclamation of reverence for the Roman snake God, Glycon. Example: "Look at this video of an anaconda!OMG!"

IDNHTTOWSTARWTOME: "I Do Not Have the Time to Type Out Words Since There Are Ravenous Wolves Tearing Out My Entrails"- Self Explanatory.

Well, there you have it. I hope this proves useful to all you web-surfers out there. Remember, the Internet can be a scary thing, but with the right terminology, you can accomplish all of your web-surfing dreams.

Congrats, Super Bowl Champion Ravens!

Super Bowl XLI (that's 41 in regular-speak) was marked by blood, tears, and a record breaking performance in the Baltimore Ravens' 138-3 victory over the Chicago Bears. The game was called "embarassing" for the Bears, and one overzealous sports writer even went as far to say that the Bears "should kill one another in increasingly painful ways...then the last one kills himself, I guess. I don't know, I haven't worked out all the details." The Ravens truly put on an amazing show for the world. "This is why I play the game," said Steve McNair, the Baltimore Ravens QB who threw for 13 touchdowns.

In what was thought might be a close game, the Ravens came out swinging. They scored 21 points on a single play in the second quarter using an old college play called "The Louisiana Purchase," and controlled the game from there. Once Bears QB Rex Grossman left the game in the third quarter with a swollen labia, it was all over for the Bears. In an act of pity, Baltimore Ravens kicker Matt Stover kicked a field goal 85 yards into the opposite uprights in order to give the Bears 3 points. "I just felt so badly for them. They're so pathetic," Stover said after the game.


We managed to get in touch with coach Brian Billick after the game. "I don't know what the hell you guys are talking about, we lost early in the playoffs. We didn't play in the Super Bowl." Coach Billick, always a modest gentleman, refusing to take credit for the brilliant victory. Be sure to order your Baltimore Ravens Super Bowl gear. As you can see, Hollywood's Matthew McConaughey already has his...do you have yours? Celebrate your World Champion Baltimore Ravens and order hundreds of dollars of merchandise!

Werewolves Take to NYC Streets

Yesterday, thousands gathered in New York to protest Mayor Bloomberg's recent anti-Werewolf remarks last Monday. When asked about Werewolf rights, Bloomberg, who had thought his microphone was off, was quoted as saying, "fuck those ruddy gyppo fleabags." Outraged by the remarks, Lou Garou, a Werewolf and outspoken advocate for WVBC (Werewolf, Vampire, Bisexual, and Chupacabra) rights and member of the ACLU, organized the protest to help raise awareness.

"People still hold on to the belief that all Werepeople are vicious monsters of the night. That is simply not the case, " said Garou, adding, "We're here, we're Were, get used to it!"

Garou has staged various protests before, most notably his counter protests to the church of Fred Phelps, who believes 9/11 is the result of God's anger towards America's lenient Werewolf policy.

"Phelps believes that lycanthropy is a choice! It is Phelps and people like him who hold up signs that say, 'God Hates Fangs' at military funerals. They are hatemongers!" howled Garou.

Clearly, the nation is divided when it comes to Werewolf rights. I personally support the WVBC, since I don't want a skinwalker to eat my face.

Lou Garou is an staunch supporter of WVBC rights

Tony Danza? I thought he was dead...

You might have found yourself saying just this to yourself, but like me, you would be wrong. According to the nerds at CNN, Tony Danza is, much to my surprise, alive. The man who rocked our world in Taxi, Who's the Boss, and the critically-acclaimed The Tony Danza Show, whose single season changed the direction of my life, is back in the saddle. This Italian sex symbol...well, this Italian symbol is starring in "The Producers" and touring with his band. About his band, CNN says, "In his club act, there's a little bit of everything -- from standards to pop to do-wop to a bit of rap." Apparently, the transition from failed talk show host to Snoop Dogg tunes is easier than we might have thought.

Sure, I might not have been around in Tony Danza's heyday, but that doesn't mean that I can't unfairly judge him. In fact, that's all in a day's work for a citizen of the Pretentious Nation.

The "Bowie Paradox"

Last Month, MIT Professor Phineas Hewitt published an article in the New England Journal of Astrophysics regarding what he had titled, "The Bowie Paradox." His findings, which are the culmination of 30 years of research, have been described by his various peers as, "Einstein-humbling," "revolutionary," and "fucking mind-blowing." However, his detractors not only call his theories scandalous and unjustifiable, but also, "completely demeaning/unrelated to the field of astrophysics." I sat down with Prof. Hewitt at his Providence, MA home to discuss the controversy.

G-Gits: Hello Professor. It is an honor.

Phineas Hewitt: It is an honor to be here,
my boy.

GG: I wish to discuss your groundbreaking, if not controversial, discovery...the so-called "Bowie Paradox" is it? Please help explain your findings to those of us outside the Astrophysics community.

PH: Well, simply put, the "Bowie Paradox" is the culmination of 36 years of my research. It helps shed light on our nature as human beings as well as giving us new insight into the universe...

GG: Wicked!

PH: ...The principles of the "Bowie Paradox" are quite simple really; the difficulty lies in excepting it as the God's honest truth. The "Bowie Paradox" states that, for men, it is in fact gayer to not want to have sex with David Bowie than it is to actually desire sexual intercourse with him.

GG: Whoa...you just melted my fucking mind, Professor.

PH: It is quite a difficult concept to grasp, especially without an advanced degree in astrophysics.

GG: I'm not so sure that I would want to have sex with David Bowie..

PH: Then, sir, you are gay.

GG: Fair enough. What do you say to your detractors who feel that you are trying to justify your own homosexual attraction towards David Bowie or that you are just simply bat-shit insane?

PH: I say the research is there; the evidence is in. People may chose to ignore it, but chances are my findings will set the pace for all future scientific endeavors.

GG: What if you are a woman that wishes to have sex with Mr. Bowie?

PH: Well, not all of the numbers are in, but research seems to indicate that if you are a woman and you desire to copulate with David Bowie, you immediately become pregnant.

GG: Well, thank you for your time Professor.

PH: It was a pleasure.

GG: Oh, actually, where is your bathroom?

PH: It's just down the hall to the left. Jiggle the handle when you flush.

Well there you have it. Interesting stuff. I will leave it up to you to draw your own conclusions.

Phineas Hewitt is the Weingarten Professor of Advanced Theoretical Astrophysics at MIT.

Making the word Magazine lose meaning

Magazine magazine. For all those dedicated "Ziners" who want the latest scoop on magazines. I wanted to have the dude reading the same issue for sort of a mise-en-abyme kinda thing, but that was too tough...

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